


None but yourself

by Edelwin



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Forced Prostitution, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Underage, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:14:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28476750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Edelwin/pseuds/Edelwin
Summary: « ...You made it clear that as far as you’re concerned, a gay Shadowhunther wasn’t really a Shadowhunter »- Alec to Robert, City of Heavenly fireThis is a very dark twist on that matter.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 17
Kudos: 108





	1. Chapter 1

Alec is waiting outside the Head’s office, his father’s office, in the long corridor covered with dark wood. He’s been called in emergency while doing his usual chores. It’s ever a new assignment, and the last one had been particularly unpleasant (he still hurts a bit, and wishes he still had his stele - he has even considered asking Jace for an iratze, but then, he would have had to explain why). Or it means that someone has been displeased with his skills. That hasn’t happened in a long time, but he still shudders when he remembers the last time it did… Not a line of thought he wants to follow, so he tries to keep his mind as blank as possible and just waits.

The door opens and Robert gestures for him to come in. His father is not alone, the chief of security, Upperland, is with him. They don’t seem angry, just focused. Another assignment, then. Alec doesn’t know if he’s relieved or not. It does mean he didn’t failed them, no more than usual at least. As always, his father doesn’t do the talking. Alec honestly can’t remember the last time his father talked to him, or even looked at him. It’s stupid of him to still hope that might change someday.

\- Alec, good, you’re here », starts Upperland. « Have you heard about the recent development in the Downworld ? With the Warlocks, I mean. »

That’s unusual. They never explain anything to him, just give a time and a place, sometimes a few details if they’re absolutely necessary. But back to the question asked, Alec has heard of the warlock situation, of course. Everybody in the Institute knows that Valentine’s return had not been taken well by Downworlders. But the warlocks in New York reacted worse than everybody else, going into hiding and therefore refusing to honor their contracts. They just seem to have simply disappeared all at once. Alec had heard some stupid Shadowhunters rejoice about getting « rid of » the warlocks, but anyone with a brain knows better. The Institute needs warlocks for portals, shields, among other things. But Upperland certainly doesn’t ask for his opinion on the matter. 

\- Of course, sir », Alec says simply.

\- Well, I’m not going to beat around the bush. We need to keep an access to the warlocks. The High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus Bane, has agreed for a meeting. But we can’t offer him any reassurance regarding Valentine. And I’ve met him before. If we lie, he’ll know it, go back to his little hiding place, and we’ll be vulnerable. So we need to give him something that will make him want to stay in touch. » Upperland looks Alec right in the eyes.

\- We know he came to heal you recently, after your stupid injury, and didn’t ask for anything in return. And he’s notoriously promiscuous and… likes diversity. So you could be just what we need.» Upperland now glares at him with obvious contempt. Alec feels his face burn with shame, but he knows he’s to be thankful for still being given mission, whatever these « missions » are.

\- We realize this is a bit more than what you’re usually capable of. You’ll have to entertain him for a while. Keep him happy enough so he doesn’t have second thoughts. Could be days, or weeks. Can you do that, or do we have to find another solution ? » It could sound like they're giving him a choice, but Alec knows by now how to recognize a threat when he hears one. Something along the line of 'If you fail and prove your worthlessness, don’t bother coming back'.

\- I can do it, sir. »

\- We’ll see. Meeting’s on Friday, be ready by then. Dismissed. »

His fate have been settled a few years back, in this very same office, by men who had looked at him the very same way Upperland is right now. Alec had turned 15 a few months prior. He was training with Jace when he had been called to his father’s office. - he was still seen as a warrior back then, Jace was even talking more and more to him about being Parabatai, and he sometimes hoped… But these times were long gone now. That day, when he entered the office, he saw his father, along with five of the elders members of the Institute. They all looked at him with contempt. It wasn’t his father who talked, but his second-in-command at the time, Starkbrand. He still wondered sometimes if it had been a small mercy, or if his father had been to disgusted to even talk to him. 

\- For a while, we’ve heard very ugly rumors about you, Alec. And none of us wanted to believe them. Then some of your pears have supported these rumors. So, tell us, Alec, and don’t add lie to your sins, do you have unnatural thoughts about other boys ? "  
.  
\- I… I’m sorry… »

\- Yes or no, Alec. »

\- It’s… I… guess, yes. »

His head was spinning, his legs felt like jelly, and he had to focus so hard in breathing that he could hardly hear anything they said. He was catching bit and pieces.

\- Told you……. »

\- What if it spread ? ….. that risk. Deruning, and exile, ……... only options. »

\- …...as his father …….. solution ? »

\- No son of mine …... » Robert’s words were loud and clear, and Alec felt dizzier and dizzier.

\- If I may… the Angel makes no mistake…...another path.... »

\- ...your mind, Starkbrand. What kind …. for him ?»

He realized later what they had been talking about. He had to be useful one way or another to be allowed to stay in the Institute, and he couldn’t be a Shadowhunter anymore. A part of his brain had screamed that he had been good enough until now, that he never failed on his missions, that since he was eight, his skills at the bow had even – seldom, but still – been praised. And yet he had always knew something was wrong with him. He had done his best to hide his thoughts, his feelings, but he knew he was doomed. Sooner or later, someone would see how wrong he was. That day had just finally come.

Ever since that fateful meeting, the only « missions » he had been given had been the same : be a bargaining chip for the Downworlders – and mundanes, sometimes – who had or knew something the Institute needed. All he had to do was giving them what they’re all obsessed about, at least from the Shadowhunters’ point of view, sexual favors. He wasn’t even send as a spy. And if, in between « missions » some Shadowhunters felt the urge to use him to blow off some steam, the Institute would not lower itself as to make it official, but everyone turned a very convenient blind eye.

So two days after Upperland gave him his orders, Alec is standing in front of Magnus Bane’s door. He tried his best to make himself look as appealing as he could, hiding the dark shadows around his eyes that came from lack of sleep in the past 48 hours – and in the past few years, to be honest – with make-up he had stolen from Izzy, and putting on tight jeans and a shirt that he had found on his bed just after his meeting with Upperland. It had taken all his self control not to burst into tears the first time he had been given a « special gear », and had unfolded a very revealing shirt, similar to the one he is wearing now. These days, he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. The Institute provides him with clothes fitting for his missions, and he knows by now that the Institute would never see him as anything but a whore. 

The door opens before Alec even knocks, and Magnus Bane is standing in front of him, wearing a sparkling shirt and dark jeans that hang low on his hips. 

\- My my, Shadowhunters gears have improved these days ! » But then Magnus looks around and sees Alec’s the only one here. « So, I see the Nephilim make me leave my safe haven with the promise of a deal I could not refuse, and they send you all alone ? I’m certainly not disappointed to see you, but I was expecting more… effort. But please, do come in.» Alec enters the loft. It changed a lot since the last – and only time - he’d been there, the night of Magnus’ cat birthday party.

It was one of this rare night when Alec let his siblings convince him to come with them on one of their mischievous and often very stupid plans. He hardly ever indulges, because he knows that if anyone else realized he’s gone with them, they would all be in serious trouble. His sibling can’t imagine how dramatic the repercussions could be for him, and he doesn’t want them to know, so he agrees sometimes, and hides his terror of being caught as much as he can. He’s glad he went with them that time, because meeting Magnus had been a very good surprise, and because Magnus came to heal him a few days after, and certainly saved his life. Not that he’s sure his life is worth saving most of the time, but he’d rather die fighting than in an infirmary bed, from injuries his own people didn’t care trying to fix. But now is not the time to dwell on the past.

\- Let me assure you, there’s a reason I’m here alone, and it doesn’t mean a lack of interest on my peo… on the Shadowhunters’ part. » Alec starts, still standing in the loft hall. « We want to assure you that Valentine’s situation is taking all the Shadowhunters’ attention, and will be under control soon. You’ll receive full reports everyday, and every time a breakthrough will be make. And in the meantime, you can dispose of anything I could possibly give you, in order to show the good will of the Shadowhunters. I’ll be at your disposal to make your waiting time more pleasurable. » 

\- Wait a second. You’re offering… yourself ?? As a… what, token ? 

\- We want you to know we value your help, and that you are to be shown gratitude. »

\- And your way of showing gratitude would be by sucking my cock ? »

\- We want something from you, we offer something we thought you might want. »

\- Just a second here, whose idea was that ? Yours ? »

\- I’m… They… I didn’t object. And I’m good at it. You’d enjoy yourself. »

\- What ? » Magnus is at loss. So he says the first thing he thinks about. « How old are you ? »

\- 18. Is that a problem ? I don’t lack experience, I swear, you would not be disappointed. »

\- Ok. Let’s just make this clear. Your fellow Sadowhunters want me to continue making portals and stuff for them. But they can’t give me what I need, a guarantee that Valentine’s riot not gonna get out of hand. So they send me a teenager to have sex with me to make me, what, wait quietly ? A teenager who, by the look of it, would rather be anywhere else but here. I know you Nephilims don’t think much of us, but you really think I’d be like that ? »

\- I’m sorry, I didn’t want to assume, they said you came to heal me after Abbadon's attack, free of charge, and you’re usually quite expensive ; so they said you might be interested, and usually it’s ok in the Downworld to swing both ways… But you don’t, ok, sorry, and I never wanted to insult you by thinking… »

\- Stop it, this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, real or supposed, and it should not be about yours either. It is about your choice to be here, and it really seems to me being here is not your decision. »

\- No, please, I’m glad to be here, I’m glad to help. That’s what I do, and I… like it anyway, so it would not be… you know… »

\- You like… what, sex ? »

\- Men. I like men, so you would not be taking advantage. »

\- What ? You’re gay so it’s okay to send you give yourself away to anyone who ask, or, like, here, doesn’t even ask, as long as they’re not female ? »

\- It’s the only way to make sense of me being like that. So if the Angel allowed me to be this way, it must be for that purpose. »

Magnus feels out of words, for the first time in centuries.

\- It’s not the first time they’re doing this to you. » He finally hears himself say.

\- What ? » Alec doesn’t seem to get what he’s saying. « No, I’m to be ready whenever someone might be interested. But usually I’m not the one offering, it’s discussed before I come in, so I’m not very good at explaining it, I’m sorry.»

\- They offer your services and inform you afterwards ? »

\- Yes, I’m not very good with words, and I’m certainly not reliable, so when my services are offered outside the Institute, I’m usually called once the deal is set. I don’t know why they didn’t ask you before sending me, lack of time maybe, I’m sorry.»

\- Please stop apologizing. » Magnus doesn’t want to know more, but something the boy just said is nagging at his mind. « You said "outside the Institute", does it mean that inside the Institute, it’s also common for male Shadowhunters to just go to you... »

\- ... whenever I can be of help, yes. No discussion needed in that case, that’s what I’ve been made for... » Magnus can tell that the kid is absolutely genuine and it makes horror crawls at his back. Witnessing such brain washing makes him wonder about something else, too, so he asks, fearing the answer :

\- And if I refuse, your, ah, « services », what would happen to you ? »

\- I… » Alec couldn’t stop a shiver. What if he came back to the Institute and had to tell his superiors that he had failed, that he was, once again, useless ? Would it be the last straw this time, the one that finally send him to exile…

\- Ok, you kind of look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack here, is it that bad ? »

\- No, I’m sor… It’s of no consequence to you anyway » Alec takes a deep breathe and gathers himself quickly. He looks at Magnus straight in the eyes, every trace of panic gone and replaced by a seductive smirk. « I just think it would be a pity not to have a test ride before you decide ? »

\- A test… » The very quick change in the young Shadowhunter demeanor makes Magnus feel sick. The kid has clearly been trained, and thoroughly. By Lilith, he was going to regret this one. He should just send the kid back, return to his lair and put all of this behind until he cooled off enough to add it to his « Nephilims are crazy bastards » stories. But even at his worse, he could never stand to let a child be abused. And whatever their fucked up traditions makes of him for his own people, the young Shadowhunter in front of him looks like nothing but a lost child.

\- What were you supposed to offer me ? I mean, if I agreed, could you stay with me, like, until Valentine’s situation is sorted ? »

\- I… guess I could »

\- That’s perfect then. You won’t go back to that place until I set this right. »

They still have to go to the Institute, Magnus realises, to make his « decision » known, and maybe allow Alec to pack some stuff. 

The meeting with the Head of the Institute is as brief as possible. Magnus agrees to be reachable in case of emergencies, until Valentine is under control. In exchange, the Institute lets Alec live with him as long as Valentine stays on the loose. Robert is obviously relieved by this decision, and seems to think it’s more a silver lining than a problem. That he could be happy to give his own son away to a man who seemingly wants to use him as a sex toy is beyond Magnus. 

So Magnus leaves the office as soon as he can, and is waiting outside of Alec’s room. He thought the boy might appreciate to go through his stuff alone. He ‘s standing there when Isabelle runs towards him.

\- Please, don’t hurt my brother. I don’t know what he told you, but he didn’t chose that. Just… don’t hurt him. »

Last time he crossed path with the Lightwood girl, she had been in full gear, a strong and fierce warrior. Now the teenage girl in front of him looks impossibly smaller, and on the verge of breaking. What do these people do to their children ? Magnus’ always seen the Shadowhunters society as prejudiced and cruel, unable to show mercy even to its own members. But he’s starting to realise that he’s been far from knowing the full extanse of it. And we are the bad ones, he thinks bitterly...

\- Isabelle. Always a delight to see you. And to see someone who at least seems to have some decency in all this situation… I’ll let you know I certainly had no intention to hurt anyone in any way until a few hours ago, but I am fighting the urge to burn this Institute to the ground right now. »

\- You’re not agreeing with this deal ? » Izzy asks cautiously.

\- With what ? The fact that teenagers should give themselves away to appease the Big Bad Warlocks ? And that this should be justified by said teenagers sexual orientation, that would make them guilty of… what, existing ? I might be demon spawn, but even I haven’t seen something so twisted and absolutely disgusting in a long long time, and I lived through what you would call the Dark Ages ! »

\- But you’re still taking him home ? » 

\- I would have send him back with a WTF note, but when I mentioned refusing his offer, your dear brother seemed to think he would not survive going back unsuccessful long enough to tell the story. I should have just turn him down anyway, it’s so not my business, and Ragnor is going to tease me with it for centuries... » Magnus is so not ready for that. He has a bunch of warlocks lying low in a flat he had to build from scratch a few days ago. His whole world is threatened by a mad Nephilim who seems to gain followers faster than a pregnant Kardashian. And now he’s being accused of wanting to take advantage of a barely legal kid he had met twice before, said kid having been unconscious on one of these meetings. 

\- You really don’t intend on using him ? » Isabelle sounds very doubtful.

\- For Lilith’s sake, it’s not a frying pan we’re talking about !! Are you all out of your mind ? Have you never heard about this strange and very sexy thing called consent ? »

\- Izzy please stop bothering our guest, your concerns are uncalled for. I’ll be in touch. » Alec speaks to his sister with a hard tone Magnus hasn’t heard before. He’s standing in the doorway, a backpack in his right hand.

\- And I do consent to everything that might happen while I’ll be… under your care. Shall we ? » Alec adds, looking at Magnus this time and speaking in a much softer tone. A seductive one, Magnus realises, feeling a shiver down his spine. What has he thrown himself into ?

\- I wish we could have stayed in my loft, but we have to go back to the warlocks’ lair so I can check on the others. We’ll stay there for a while, but don’t worry, that’s what magic is made for, I’ll make you your own room, you’ll be confortable there ! » Magnus realises he’s babbling, a very rare occurrence for him. For anyone who’d known him better, that would have said a lot about the uneasiness of his state of mind. He made a portal just outside the Institure, and they’ve arrived in front of a small but cosy-looking house. Alec isn’t familiar with the suroundings and couldn’t say if they’re still in New York or in another city, or country. As far as he is concerned, they could be on another planet, it would not change anything, he has no reason to go anywhere unattended. If he is to go anywhere out of the house, or even Magnus’ bedroom, at all. Once they step in, Alec realises the building is way bigger on the inside, with lots of rooms and lots of people, all bearing various warlocks marks and chatting animatedly among themselves. As soon as they enter, everyone stare at them and fall silent.

\- Ok, said Magnus, I think it would be easier if I talked to them alone. My room is on the right, fifth door, this way. Could you go there and wait for me « 

\- Yes, sir, » Alec answers immediatly.

\- Thank you Alexander, and please, call me Magnus. »

Alec goes to the room, it’s luxurious and fancy, but very confy in the same time. It looks lived-in, and Alec can’t help but think it suits Magnus very well. Everything in it is in a way Magnus-like, even if Alec can’t tell exactly how. He doesn’t know if he is supposed to unpack, or do anything at all, so he just goes to the window, and stays there, looking outside and waiting. He tries to keep his mind as blank as possible, there is no need to try to second guess Magnus – he has to remind himself to call him that, don’t make the warlock repeats himself, if being called by his first name is his choice, then so be it. Alec’ll know what is expected of him soon enough.

It takes a while for Magnus to come back, and when he does, he’s carrying a tray with a bowl of soup, some bread and grapes. 

\- I explained your situation to the others, they agreed to let you stay, but I didn’t want to overwhelm you with a diner with everyone tonight, so this is for you. I’ve already eaten, so take a seat and eat. »

Alec tries again to stay neutral, to not overthink things, but he can hardly help himself. Does Magnus mean he wants to keep him for himself just tonight, but not after that ? Will he be expected to serve every warlock in the house after that ? Should he ask, or should he wait for the directives to be given to him ? He stops his thoughts right away, reminding himself that whatever is asked of him, he has no choice but to comply, and that no one will be interested in his opinion anyway. So he sits, and eats, quickly so Magnus does not get bored, but not too quickly so he doesn’t look greedy. He isn’t very hungry anyway. Magnus seems to hesitate for a while, looking like he wants to say something, but he decides otherwise and starts to go through his stuff, sorting things seemingly at random.

\- Thank you for diner, Magnus. » Alec says as soon as he finished. « Do you want me to bring that back somewhere ? »

\- That won’t be necessary », says Magnus, smiling, and with a wave of his hand, the tray is gone.

\- That’s handy », says Alec. « So, how do you want me now ? » he asks teasingly.

\- And that won’t be necessary either ! Alexander, let me put it clear once and for all, I don’t want your body. I took you in because I think what your people are doing to you is a shame, and I want to help you, and I’ll never touch you, or anyone for that matter, without their full and informed consent. And no one should ever do that to you, and I’m sorry they did in the past. I just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again. »

\- But… I told you you have my consent ! It… » What is Magnus talking about ? Unless it means he doesn’t want Alec for himself… « There’s nothing else I can do. If you don’t want me but still brought me here, maybe you thought someone else might ? »

\- No ! I assure you everyone here is as repulsed by this situation as I am ! »

\- I know I’m kind of used, and that some people find it a bit repulsive... » That was bad. Maybe the other warlocks just convinced Magnus that Alec wasn’t good enough, and that using him would be humiliating for Magnus ? He had nowhere to go if he had to leave right away, the Institute would not let him back if he failed this mission, so he had to make it work. « But consider it also means I’m very good at it, it’ll be worth your while ! »

\- For Lilith’s sake, we are repulsed by the situation, by the abuse, not by you ! »

\- I won’t tell the others if they don’t agree, but for tonight, please, I could just suck you off ? Before you decide if you want to keep me or not ? Please let me make you feel good. » 

\- You don’t have to do that, that’s not why I took you in. You can stay, that’s a given, you don’t have to perform sexual acts to earn that right.» Alec thinks that if Magnus doesn’t send him right back to the Institute, he might just be playing hard to get. Maybe he just wants him to beg for it, to get in the mood ?

\- That’s the only reason I’m here and I know it. And I like it all anyway, you’re not taking advantage, I’m happy to please. » 

\- You don’t want this. » Magnus doesn’t seem ready to stop the pretense.

\- Yes I do, please, let me prove you how much... » Alec gets closer and starts to drop to his knees. He is starting to feel tired, too. The game Bane is playing is not unusual, and he knows he should just go on, fake more enthusiasm maybe, but he just wants to get it done, and maybe be allowed to go to sleep, and have some time in the morning to assess his new environnement. 

\- Don’t lie to me. » Magnus takes a step back.

\- I don’t ! But even if I did, why would you care ? » Alec snaps, and regrets it immediatly. Even if Magnus didn’t mean to send him back at first, he’s certainly going to change his mind now… But Magnus doen’t look angry. If anything, he looks sad, and kind of raw.

\- Because I was like you once. » Magnus speaks in a very soft voice. « Alone, and desperate, and surounded by people who thought I was an abomination or wanted to use me for their own needs. I thought I was worthless. And your people saved me. The Silent Brothers. They took me in, and didn’t ask anything from me. They showed me I didn’t have to do anything to be worth something. And they gave me the means to undestand myself and live to my full potential, all the while letting me chose what I wanted to do with my life. And later I had the chance to meet wonderful people, who became my friends and family, and who showed me what unconditional love is. So sometimes, I feel the need to give back, and when someone, like you, remind me of my young self, I care. I don’t only care about what you want or don’t want. I care about you. »

Alec can see Magnus is absolutely honest, but he still feels a wave of self-hatred at his words. 

\- You don’t know me. The silent brothers, they could see your potential. You’re one of the greatest warlocks alive. Your friends, they can rely on you. They must admire you. I’m nothing. I have no gift. I only bring shame, and sorrow. My siblings, they’ve been taunted because of me. They would have been full on bullied, had they not been as fierce as they are. My parents... » Alec voice breaks.

\- Your parents never even tried to defend you, I guess. »

\- They wouldn’t want me to still call them that. My… father was part of the group that decided to give me the choice to do what I do now. »

\- The choice ? A choice must be between at least two solutions, what were the other ones ?

\- I could have been deruned, and exiled. If I had left, they would not have pursued me… I had the choice, they remind me sometimes I still have it. »

\- So they make themselves believe you’re willing because otherwise you could chose to be thrown in the streets without any resource or defense, in the mundane world that you don’t even know how to navigate ? »

\- I could do it if I was braver, or smarter… I’ll have to eventually, they won’t keep me forever, the Clave will suspect something and the Institute won’t want my situation to be official... I know I’m still overstaying my welcome I’m just too much of a coward to go. I could still do what I do anyway, in the mundane world, I heard you can be paid for it… » His voice was so full of self-loathing it made Magnus sick. « I’m sorry, I’m not here to be a burden to you, please let me make it up to you. »

\- I… can’t do this right now. It’s been a long day. Your room is on the left, second door, there’s a bathroom attached. Feel free to use anything you might need, we’ll talk in the morning. » Magnus goes to the door and opens it, showing the way to Alec.

Alec seems like he is going to try again, but decides against it and goes. He stops at the door. 

\- Good night, sir. Feel free to join or call me anytime if you change your mind, I’ll be waiting. »

And he is gone. Magnus lets himself fall on his bed, knowing sleep will not be easy that night.


	2. Chapter 2

Once he finds himself in the room Magnus had called his, Alec doesn’t know what to do. He hasn’t brought much stuff, and doesn’t really see the point in unpacking, not knowing if he is to stay there for long. What Magnus told him made no sense. He has been raised believing Downworlder are deceptive and untrustworthy. And among Downworlder, warlocks – along with Seelies maybe - are notoriously promiscuous and open about sexual relationship, so it makes even less sense than warlocks would turn him down for any reason other than maybe the fact they are not finding him attractive enough. But why take him in in the first place if that’s the case ? Or is it just a game ? An in that case, what is the right move ?

There is actually a bathroom attached to « his » bedroom, so Alec decides to go take a shower, and get ready for the night. He takes his time cleaning himself thoroughly, and works himself open – better safe than sorry, another lesson learned the hard way. He then goes to bed naked, but put a robe nearby, in case he is called during the night to someone’s else room. He would prefer avoiding wandering the hallways naked, if he has a choice. He lays in bed, and waits.

A knock on the door. Alec nearly jumps, he must has dozed off for a while… But the day is bright outside. Another knock. He has fallen asleep, and slept trough the night. How did that happen ? He never sleeps soundly for that long. And now he’s making someone wait… Not good. Is it Magnus ? Why is he knocking ? Alec certainly hasn’t locked the door. He grabs the robe, puts it on, and hurries to open the door. On the other side stands a tiny girl with a very serious face, and things looking like gills on her neck.

\- Hi ! My gran told me to let you sleep, but there are pancakes for breakfast and everyone love pancakes, and if you sleep too long they won’t be any left. And you can put bananas or blueberries or chocolate on them. Or syrup, but I think it’s gross. I prefer blueberries, but Ethan loves chocolate, don’t you think blueberries are better ? »

\- I… » Alec can’t help but smile at the rambling girl. She reminds him so much of his younger brother a few years back, before he started actual training and lost his spontaneity. Not that Alec’s been allowed to see his brother much these past few years, too much risk of him being a bad influence… He puts these thoughts away quickly and gets on one knee to look the girl in the eyes.  
\- Blueberries are definitely the best. That's the truest truth ever. » he says with a smile.

\- I knew it ! You coming ? » the girl asks hopefully.

\- I don’t know if I should... »

\- Oh, Alec, you’re awake ! And you’ve met Madzie. I’m Catarina, nice to meet you. Will you join us for breakfast ? »

\- Nice to meet you too, madam. If I could just put on something more suitable... »

\- Sure ! Madzie, let the poor boy get dressed, and bring him to the kitchen when he’s ready. See you there ! And please, none of this formal nonsense, I’m Cat. »

\- But M. Bane said he wanted to talk to me this morning... »

\- Magnus had business to attend, he won’t be back for a while, and don’t take his word about schedule, I’ve known him for centuries and still wait for the day he’ll keep one... »

Breakfast is a much quieter affair than Alec feared. People come and go, but most of them are barely awake. Some smile to him or even introduce themselves, but most just ignore him. The young girl – Madzie – eats her pancakes with passion, and chats with two other girls. One of them starts to explain to Alec something about ponies and hairdressers that he doesn’t quite follow.

That’s how he finds himself sitting on the floor a while later, two little ponies with impossible long manes on his laps and a comb in one hand, trying to reproduce the complicate braid the girls are showing him, and failing spectacularly. He can’t help but think that Izzy would love seeing him like that and would taunt him about it forever. But he knows she wouldn’t anymore, not these days, because when they actually can spend time together, she wants to talk about his life, and his future. And when he tells her to let it go, she looks sad and worried. So he just focus on the task at hand, and makes himself even clumsier than he his, just to see the little girls laugh.

Magnus finds him there a while later. He is not very familiar with the boy, but seeing him like this, relaxed and goofy, makes him painfully aware of how young Alec is, and how tense he has been every time they had interacted.

Alec suddenly realizes Magnus is looking at him from the door. He stands up abruptly, and the ponies that were on his knees fall. The girls protest and Madzie reaches for Alec’s hand, trying to make him sit back.

\- I’m sorry, s.. Magnus – he has to remind himself to use the warlock’s name – I didn’t see you, I didn’t want to make you wait. I have to go, Madzie, but it’s been a pleasure meeting Miss Honeymoon and Miss Prinkles. »

\- It’s ok, Alexander, the kids obviously enjoy your company. And I didn’t want to make you let your new little friends down, but I’d like a word. He’ll play with you again soon, girls, don’t fuss. »

Alec follows Magnus to an office he hadn’t seen before, and sits down when Magnus tells him to do so.

\- As you’re going to spend some time with us, we don’t want you to get bored. Is there anything you’d like to do ? And don’t forget we’re all warlocks here, whatever you need to pursue your interests, it’s likely possible to be arranged. And I mean something you’d like to do for yourself, not to please someone, and nothing sexual of course... », Magnus says, a bit tense. It isn’t at all what Alec was expecting. Directives, orders, finally being asked to show his skills and earn his keep, but this line of questioning makes him speechless. What is he supposed to say ?

\- You’re good with kids, do you like spending time with them ? » asks Magnus after a while.

\- I… guess. I could watch the kids during the day ? ». That would let him free at nights anyway, and it would still be useful.

\- You could, of course, it’s a task we’re sharing here anyway. But would you enjoy it ? What do you like to do ? »

\- It doesn’t matter what I like, I’ll do whatever pleases you. » The words fall quickly, naturally.

\- That’s what you’ve been taught, I get it, but what would please me would be to know what you like. And just to be clear, not in bed. What makes you happy ? » Magnus starts to sound a bit desperate. Alec really wants to make things easy for him, and to give the right answer, whatever the question. But the word seems foreign to him. No one has ever asked him that before, and he genuinely has no clue.

His happiness has never been something he thinks about. He had hopes, when he was a kid, to be good, and fierce, to be seen as a great warrior, and to make his parents proud. He felt joy back then, at times, when he achieved something difficult or when he was allowed to go on patrol, or when he had free time with his siblings. Then everything’s been shattered, and there were ordeals and tasks, pain and shame, and he doesn’t even know why he keeps on living most days. Habit, mostly, or sheer exhaustion, he rarely has any time to think about anything, and that’s a blessing. So happiness certainly is the furthest thing on his mind. But still…

\- Archery. I like archery. » He hears himself say the words without having thought about them. « I had a custom-made bow before I was found defective. They broke it, thought, to give me a lesson because they realized I still trained after they forbid me to go hunting. No one else had chosen this weapon for a while at the Institute, so I got to teach it too, before, and it was nice. I taught grown ups when I was twelve. Teaching is... I’m sorry. » He shuts up suddenly. What the hell was that ? Magnus certainly doesn’t want him to talk so much, no one is interested in his nonsense, he can’t just be useless, he’s taking Magnus’ time too. He looks down and wishes he could just disappear.

\- What are you sorry for ? »

\- I’m boring you. You don’t need details. » Alec says in a small voice, still looking at the floor.

\- I asked, though. And it was quite interesting. Would you like to practice archery here ? Maybe you could teach too, I’m sure some of us would love it ? Hell knows we do need to learn not to rely only on magic. Besides, archery is all about focus, and focus is a great part of magic anyway. »

\- But I haven’t properly trained in more than two years. And I’m not to teach anyone anything ever again, I could be a bad influence. » Alec can’t help but wonder what he’s missing here. Maybe it’s just some sort of prank, but he can’t see the point of it. Maybe Magnus just wants to be sure he knows his place and won’t need to be monitored too closely.

\- I could try to explain how wrong this idea is, but I do realize you won’t believe anything I say right know. I hope you will some day. In the meantime, I’m going to try another path. » Magnus waves his hands, and blue sparkles rise. « You’ll find books on archery on your bed. Your task for today is to read a bit, have a rest and relax. You can play with the kids as much as you want, but don’t let them take all your time. You’ll be expected for lunch at 1pm and for diner at 8. I guess you’ve seen Dilah and Gor this morning, they’re in charge of the house, they’ll let you know what your chores are – we all have some, and don’t worry, they’re quite light, again, we’ve got magic. I’ll arrange for you to have a place to train as soon as possible, I’ll tell you when it’s done. Whenever you’re ready, I’d be delighted if you’d agreed to give lessons to anyone who would want them, especially the kids. Good, that’s a plan ! I do need to go now, have a rest before lunch, I’ll see you later. » And Magnus is gone.

Alec stays on the seat, stunned, his eyes on the door Magnus went through moments ago. What does all of that mean ? Why would Magnus want him to train, why would he give him books, and free time, and, if he really does as he said, a weapon ? To him ? He is at best an enemy, except he isn’t even one anymore. Nothing makes sense. Does Magnus want to turn him against the Nephilims ? He would hardly be a useful tool. Is it part of a bigger plan ? Or maybe Magnus has been serious about wanting his consent before he does anything sexual to him, and all of that is some kind of way to seduce him ? But he has to know it is not necessary ? But still, that is a possibility, maybe Magnus doesn’t want to think of himself as a bad guy, and wants to make Alec want him. As if his opinion matters. That is weird, but everything else makes less sense, so it must be it. Alec just has to follow through, express gratitude, and act as if it has worked. He’s used to pretend to like whatever is done to him in bed, if it’s what his client wants, but it’s going to be really tricky to make Magnus believe he’s fallen for him in the right timing. How long does he have to wait to make the next move ? Are they steps, and what are they ? He’s certainly never been in a relationship and has absolutely no clue. He misses Izzy very much, she would know. But he can’t call and ask her, he’d be ashamed to show her how much of a whore he is, to actually want to make Magnus use him. He couldn’t explain to her his whole situation, she’d be upset if she knew the entire truth about what he’s been doing for the past three years. How is he going to convince Magnus he’s really willing ? Because he has to. Before Magnus gets bored, or starts thinking he is more trouble than he's worth, and sends him back.

Magnus isn’t unattractive, anyway, he realizes. That is a weird thought to have unprompted, because he never asks himself anymore if he finds someone attractive of not. It doesn’t matter at all. He remembers being attracted to boys, of course. That is why he is where he is today after all, because he didn’t hide well enough how other boys made him feel at times. How Jace made him feel, for a long time. But these feelings don’t occur to him anymore. Sometimes when someone requires his services, be it a Downworlder or a Shadowhunter, his body gets aroused, depending on what is happening. The first few times, he has been even more ashamed to give this confirmation that they had been right about him. He does like it, so they have every right to use him. After a while, it doesn’t make a difference. He registers pleasure like pain on a distant level, and he acts accordingly to avoid damaging his body too much or make sure his partner has the best experience he can provide. His body just isn’t his anymore, not really. Most of the time, he just doesn’t feel anything at all. For now, he’s been given some sort of orders, even if they make no sense, so he gets up and follows through.

And then nothing happens. Alec has been at the warlock’s lair for two days, and he even starts to think Magnus had been genuine on the first day. Nobody has touched him, or hurt him in any way. He just shares the warlocks chores, no more, no less. Magnus did give him a bow on his second day, and added a training room to the house the very same evening. He’s been allowed to train as much as he wants, and some warlocks have even asked him for lessons. He can’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop.

Right now, he is coming back from the garden, carrying a basket full of tomatoes when he hears a heated conversation coming from the office.

\- … trust Nephilims. How do you know the boy is not a spy ? » He stops on his tracks. He doesn’t recognize the voice.

\- Come on, Elias, what would the Shadowhunters need to know about this place ? They know we’re together, they know we’re hiding, and they can contact us. They don’t need to know anything else. » That’s Magnus’ voice.

\- And have you met the boy ? He doesn’t even dare getting out of his room without a direct order. » Another unknown voice, a female one this time. Alec is still far from having talked with every warlock in the house, but he knows he’s being watched closely. Hearing someone he never talked to speak about him this way just confirms it.

\- That could be a ploy. He could give them our whereabouts, or even work with Valentine. Make himself look harmless and betray us. And I heard you gave him a weapon, Magnus, are you out of your mind ? » The first voice, Elias then.

\- Just a bow, to give him something to do he’s good at, he seriously needs to work on his self-esteem… »

\- Oh, because we’re a mental health center for Shadowhunters now ? And what happens when your little rehabilitation program fails and he turns against us ? »

\- We could ask him, he’s just outside the door. » The man who said that is suddenly standing in front of Alec. « Please come in »

\- Not a spy, then, Magnus ? » Elias says with a smirk.

\- I’m so sorry, Dilah asked me to pick tomatoes, I was on my way back… I shouldn’t have eavesdropped anyway, you’re right, thought, you have no reason to trust me, I could just stay in my room… »

\- Where you can communicate easily with your people ? »

\- I do have a phone, I can give it to you. I should have right away, I’m sorry. »

\- As if you don’t have other means to send messages. »

\- I really don’t. I don’t have a stele, so I can’t send fire messages. You can go through my stuff, of course, or even take it all away ? »

\- I’m not Magnus, I don’t buy your I’m-a-poor-little-thing act. Your people hate us, they always have, they’ll always do. They would never lower themselves enough to send one of their own live with Downworlders without further motives. »

\- You want me gone, then ? » The weakness of his own voice makes Alec sick, but he sees no point in bargaining. The warlocks certainly have a point there, and have no reason to understand that his own people despise him too much to even consider asking anything but sex from him.

\- Not so fast. I want to understand. Magnus seems to believe the Nephilims offered you to be used for bartering because they needed his help for wards and portals. He told us you’re their ready-made whore. » It isn’t Elias talking anymore, but the man who made Alec enter the room.

\- Ragnor please, I never used these words ! » Magnus interjects.

\- Please let me finish. But you would not be the first to use pillow talk as a source of intel, or Nephilims could even have done their research correctly for once and know you would not even need to do anything, because lost kids have always been Magnus’ weak point, and he would fall for a sob story in a heartbeat. So I’d like to hear you for myself. Why are you here, boy ? »

Alec knows he would have been ashamed to hear such things said so casually a few years back. Now he’s just surprised that someone actually talks to him and wants to let him speak for himself instead of just sending him away or looking down on him. So he replies as clearly as he can, feeling oddly grateful to be allowed to explain himself.

\- I’m here to please Mr Bane, because the Institute wanted something from him and though he might want me in exchange. Because we met at a party in his house, and he healed me free of charge later. You’re right, both of you, sirs. Nephilims wouldn’t give one of their own away to Downworlders, but they don’t see me as one of their own. I am their ready-made whore. They don’t have further motives on that point, they just have nothing to lose. »

\- They could lose you. »

\- Yes. They might see it as a silver lining. I’m not complaining ! I caused them more trouble than I’m worth. And... » Alec doesn’t know if it’s a wise move, but the next point is important to make them understand the Shadowhunters’ reasoning « They have this… exaggerated view of Downworlders sex drive. I’m sorry. I mean they think it’s hard for you, as a whole, to refuse that kind of offer. I know by now things are not that simple, but they don’t believe it. » Alec’s cheeks are burning. He chooses his words carefully, because the common opinion among Shadowhunters is more like « these sex-crazed perverts would do anything to get laid », and they think that way about him, too. He hopes he didn’t offend the warlocks, but they’ve been nothing but kind to him, and he just wants to tell the truth.

\- Even if they do see us – and you - that way, I still don’t see why they wouldn’t want to kill two birds with one stone, and ask you for information, while you’re here. »

\- That would require trusting me. Or even talking to me. They don’t. »

\- And yet you do their dirty business. »

\- That’s what I’ve been made for. And they let me stay at the Institute, even after I proved to be defective, they still gave me food and shelter. I’m grateful. »

\- Wow. I really can’t tell if you’re the best liar I ever met or if you really believe that bullshit. Either way, I’m impressed. » Ragnor is looking at him with a deep frown.

\- He’s not lying about the sex work part, at least. When Magnus brought him here, I asked around. He’s pretty popular among certain circles, and has been on the job for a while. Clearly way before he was of age, by the way. » She adds with a deep frown, looking at Alec eerily before going on. « Some people I talked to seemed to regret having nothing more the Nephilims would want because they wouldn’t mind a repeat, but none of them had been stolen or betrayed, or anything of the sort afterwards. »

\- Thank you, Greta. As least someone here is thorough and keeps a practical mind. » Ragnor is glaring at Magnus this time.

\- I did check his story, and I didn’t like what I found. I’m the High Warlock, I wouldn’t put you all at risks. And I’m certainly not going to monitor his phone calls or rummage through his backpack. And none of us has the right to judge him without knowing him, just because he’s a Shadowhunter, no more than the Shadowhunters have the right to judge us for being Downworlders. » Magnus looks like he wants to add something but decides otherwise. « Alec, weren’t you on your way to the kitchen ? I’m sure Dilah is waiting for her tomatoes. »

\- Of course, and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have stopped by the door, I won’t do it again. »

\- We know, sweetheart. It’s fine. We’ll see you at diner. » Magnus is smiling.

If Alec hadn’t been on autopilot nearly from the beginning of that conversation, the term of endearment would have make him lose it. But used as he is to hide his reactions, he just leaves the room and heads to the kitchen.

He can’t help but wonder what Magnus is telling the others now, and feels his cheeks burn when he imagines lurid tales of his sordid past. It might be a mercy in the warlock’s mind to give him an out, but thinking Magnus finds what he does so disgusting that he doesn’t want to speak about it in front of him just makes him sad. He feels a pang of anger, too, so many things in his life are discussed without him being consulted, or even without him being present. And Ragnor actually addressing him had made him feel weirdly good. But he stops that train of thought immediately. Another thing he can’t control, and shouldn’t dwell on. Since he’s been here, no one has used or hurt him. He hasn’t even been taunted or bullied. So if the only thing the warlocks do to him is gossiping about his sins behind his back, he should be grateful for the reprieve.

The kitchen is very quiet. Dilah takes the tomatoes without a word, and Alec wonders if she’s upset he took so long to bring them back. He wants to apologize, but she looks so angry he doesn’t even dare speaking. He tries to focus on his own chores. Gor enters, seems to acknowledge the tense atmosphere of the room and starts to make herbal tea without a word. When Dilah leaves to set the table, Alec can’t help himself and asks Gor :

\- What’s wrong with Dilah, she seems very upset ? »

\- Oh, that, don’t worry, she argued with Lisbeth again. I swear, if these two don’t break and make up twice a week, something’s wrong. I think they like the reconciliation part. » Gor adds with a wink.

\- Because they’re… together ? » Alec is stunned.

\- Man, they’ve been married forever. And for us, forever is a very long time ! »

That night, Alec wakes up with a jolt. He stares in confusion. There’s someone by his bed, calling his name, and a hand on his shoulder. It’s Magnus. Finally. He’s happy he didn’t take the warlock’s words seriously and still prepared himself every night. He hopes Magnus will still be gentle, but he learnt a long time ago that even nice people can get wild in bed.

\- I’m sorry I didn’t wake sooner, Magnus, how do you want me ? »

\- Alexander, you were having a nightmare. Elias heard you scream and came to fetch me. »

\- Oh, it happens, sorry, I’m usually quiet. I’ll be more careful, I don’t want to disturb any of you, let me make it up to you » It’s difficult for Alec to follow his own thoughts, the nightmare must have been a bad one, sometimes it takes a while for him to really come back. So he acts on instinct and reaches for Magnus’ crotch.

\- It’s not why I’m here. » Magnus takes a step back. « You seemed very distressed, and I’ve been calling you for a while before you woke up… »

\- Sorry. I don’t want to make you wait anymore, do you want to fuck me right away ? » Alec realizes he’s wearing sweatpants, he usually sleeps on the nude but Madzie has taken an habit to come wake him in the mornings. He starts taking them off.

\- Alexander, I’m not here to molest you.»

-I… I’ll do whatever you want, Magnus, I like it all anyway. You can just take me if you want, I’m ready. »

\- I would never just do that ! »

\- It’s ok, I’m used to it, just tell me how you want me. »

\- Alexander… I want you to keep your pants on, first, and I told you I don’t want your body. What do you mean you’re ready ? »

\- I prep myself every evening, don’t want you to have to wait. Oh. You prefer it if I don’t ? Some men like that. Sorry, I’ll stop it ! »

\- No ! » Magnus is horrified. « I mean yes ! You don’t have to do that, because nobody will assault you here not because some sick bastards would... » Magnus can’t even bring himself to finish his sentence. « You can stop. I told you I won’t touch you, and no one will, Alexander. »

\- I don’t understand. I’m sorry. Why are you here then ? By the Angel. Forgive me for asking that. It’s your house. You go wherever you want, of course, and I didn’t want to imply you shouldn’t be here, or anywhere… »

\- Alexander, please, you’re rambling. Just breathe. I just came because you were having a nightmare. Do you remember it ? »

\- I… not really. It was more, like, a memory… I don’t know. But I woke you up ! I’m not only useless, I’m such a failure too… »

\- You’re not useless, and you didn’t wake me. I was working. I’d like to hear about your nightmare. Do you have them often ? » Magnus sits at the foot of the bed, making himself at eye level with Alec, but staying far enough than he’s out of reach. Alec can’t help but feel himself relax, and he sits up against the pillows.

\- A few times a week, I guess. I know it proves how weak I am, I really try to stop them, but I’m not able to control my mind when I’m asleep… I’m usually quiet thought, I’ll try harder ! »p>

\- Nightmares have never been a proof of weakness, but when they’re that violent, it does show you’re not in a good mental place. Which is to be expected, considering what you’ve been through. » Magnus can tell that Alec is not following what he’s saying. So he decides to drop the subject and keep it for later, and chooses a safer path. « I worry about you, not about the noise you might make. I want you to be able to relax here, and it seems to work during the day, but I should have asked you sooner about the nights. »

\- Nights are great ! I love this room. It’s so quiet. And I’ve got your books, it’s great. I don’t deserve it all, I’m not giving you anything in return. »

\- You don’t have to, Alexander. »

\- I still could blow you. You don’t want me, I know, but you could close your eyes and imagine someone else… I’d like to be helpful.»

\- I won’t ever ask anything of the sort of you. Not because you’re not attractive, because you deserve so much more. And you do give me something back. You look happier. That’s all I ask for. »

\- It can’t be enough. I have to earn my keep one way or another. With everything you’ve done for me these past few days, I just want to show you I’m grateful. »

\- « Thank you » works for me, if that’s the issue. »

\- You know what I mean, Magnus, you really would not take advantage, I want it anyway. »

\- Alexander, I can’t even imagine what they did to you to make you believe you have to beg to be abused. That terrifies me. » Magnus sighs sadly.

\- What ? That’s not abuse, I just don’t want to be a burden. » Alec suddenly realizes something with dread. « Sorry, you said time and again that you don’t want me, you must think I’m harassing you. I’ll stop offering. I should have get it earlier, I’m just a bit slow. Sorry. »

\- It’s not about what I want, it’s about what you want. To enter an healthy relationship, or even just to have a consensual sexual intercourse, you have to be free of any duress, fear, or expectations from anyone else. You have to know you can say yes or no at any point easily and freely, without consequences. »

\- That doesn’t apply to me, though. It might be true in the mundane world, or on the Downworld, I don’t know their rules that well, but it’s not in the Shadowhunters’. Nothing is about what we want, it’s about what we have to do. I know I’m defective, but I’m not that different in that matter. If I can’t serve as a Shadowhunter, I have to serve as what I can do, that’s the only way of making sense of me existing at all. »

\- Says who ? »

\- My father, for a start. »

\- When he realizes what I was, my mundane father tried to drown me in a pond. I was around 9 at the times. Our fathers don’t always have our best interests at heart, I’m afraid. Does everyone think like yours ? »

\- At the Institute, yes. »

\- Even your siblings ? »

\- No. I mean, not entirely… »

\- So they do somehow agree ? » Magnus is taken aback. It seemed to him that Isabelle, at least, was better than that. And she had seemed distressed when he had taken Alec with him.

\- But don’t think less of them ! » Alec cuts his thoughts « It’s not as if any of us is free to do whatever they wish anyway. We’re born and raised warriors. Our bodies don’t belong to us, not really, we’re all but pawns in a much bigger scheme. We expect to be hurt, we expect to die while doing our duty. But as for me… They don’t know everything. They think I’m some sort of spy, and that some of my missions might entail sex. They don’t know I’ve always been just a whore. »

\- Don’t call yourself names. I have the utmost respect for sex workers when they choose that line of work. You didn’t. And your siblings, they don’t know it all, and they still don’t entirely approve? »

\- Yes. But they are biased. Because they liked me, before. »

\- You mean they don ‘t like you anymore ? » Magnus is appalled.

\- No I mean they don’t understand I’m not the same person I once was. They think I’m still… worthy. »

\- Can you imagine just for a moment that they’re right and the others are wrong ? »

Alec stays silent, so Magnus adds after a while :

\- You always ask what you can do for me. This is what I want. Will you do it for me ? »

\- I… will think about it. Promise. »

\- Do you think you can go back to sleep now ? »

\- Of course. You don’t have to babysit me. »

Magnus ponders that for a moment, and decides to let it go. He waves his hand, and a small light starts shining softly in the room, slowly changing colors.

\- When I can’t relax, this help, maybe you’ll like it too. Good night, Alexander. » He stands and goes towards the door.

\- Magnus ? » Alec calls. Magnus looks at him. « Thank you » Alec says earnestly. Magnus smiles broadly and leaves the room. But even if Alec did listen, and feels relieved by the turn of events, sleep doesn’t come back easily. Staying with the warlocks without having to do anything, that’s like a dream come true. And Alec learnt a long time ago not to believe in dreams. So he lies awake, watching the colors change, and thinks about ways to make Magnus understand he’s really willing to keep his end of the deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is almost entirely written, but, since English is not my first language, the next chapters still need some serious editing. 
> 
> And please, if you have a few minutes to spare, it would make my day to hear what you think !


	3. Chapter 3

As time goes by, it’s harder and harder for Alec to remind himself why he’s actually there. Catarina had been thrilled when she learned he was a decent chess player – a skill Jace taught him – claiming she never found someone among the warlocks who was both a good player and not an utter cheat, she added, looking pointedly at Ragnor. So they’re deep into a game on a late afternoon when the house is suddenly under attack by a dozen creatures.

\- What are these ? » someone yells

\- Forsaken ! They’re Valentine’s, how are they here ? Someone sold us ! »Elias cries.

Alec doesn’t have the time to think they’re obviously going to blame him before Dilah interjects :

\- Gor, you knew the risk ! They followed you ! He went back to the manor, I told him not to ! »

\- We’ll see that later, everyone who can fight, get ready. The ones who can’t, take the kids and go out ! » Catarina yells, putting wards to block the Forsaken in the house « You go out too, » she tells Alec. He would argue, but he has no weapon, and stopped all official training and fighting years ago. So he decides to join the group outside. But...

\- Madzie and the others, were are they, I don’t see them ! »

\- It’s ok Alec , the girls are not here, they went to the park with Osha ! »

\- No they came back half an hour ago ! Madzie talked to me about the attic, something they wanted to see there… » Alec is already running.

He goes past the warlocks fighting off the Forsaken, and heads to the stairs. On top of the building, the door to the attic is open. He hears a scream. Inside are the three girls, hunched in a corner, and a Forsaken is coming towards them, a blade in his hand. Alec doesn’t stop to think and throws himself at he man, who turns all its attention to him. The fight is harsh, and there’s not much Alec can do with his bare hands. He’s thrown against a wall, and he sees the blade aiming for his throat. Then there’s a blue light, and the Forsaken explodes. Magnus waves his hand, and Alec find himself holding his bow and quiver.

\- That might help, Shadowhunter. »

Catarina is right behind him, and she runs to the girls.

\- I’ve got them, go help the others ! » she yells.

They run back downstairs together, and fight. They weren’t many warlocks at the lair when the attack begins, one of them is outside protecting the kids and Catarina is taking care of the girls. The five remaining are starting to get outnumbered. Alec assesses the situation quickly and starts throwing arrows. He kills a Forsaken in the hallway. Magnus runs to the kitchen where they hear battle sounds, and Alec heads for the living room. Slowly but steadily, the warlocks take the advantage. After a while, everything is silent.

There are thankfully no casualties among the warlocks, but some have nasty injuries. While Catarina checks on everyone, Elias sees that all the attackers bodies are disposed of. The others clean, help with the healing, or rest if they’ve been injured. Magnus suddenly says :

\- Listen everyone, this lair is clearly compromised, besides we all need a change of scenery now, brace yourselves, we’re moving ! »

And there’s some lights, a little trembling, and Alec realizes the house has actually changed location. The interior is still the same, but they’re now in a flat, on the top of a building.

\- What do you think of the view, Shadowhunter ? You must like heights, with the bow thing and all ? » Elias is standing next to him. He’s talking to him matter-of-factly, like they’re equals. Alec wonders what Magnus had told the warlocks the other day, after he left the office, because it’s not the first time someone who had been avoiding him before that day comes to him. Maybe killing some Forsakens earlier helped, too.

\- It’s nice. I’ll miss the garden, though. » Alec looks outside again. This suburb is much busier than the last one, and they’re surrounded by tall buildings. Then he realizes he knows the place. He remembers a hunt just around the corner of this very same street, one of his first – and last - hunt. He had been around 13 back then.

\- Oh, don’t worry about that, I think Magnus just put it on the roof. So, I… am not sorry for not trusting you. I still don’t, not really. But I’m willing to try and give you the benefit of the doubt. What you did today, it was good. You had no reason to stay behind. »

\- But the girls could have been killed. »

\- Yes. And I thought it would make no difference for a Shadowhunter. I was wrong. Thank you. »

\- Thank you. For letting me protect you. » Protecting people, Downworlders or mundanes, had been his duty, once, his dream and his goal. Alec couldn’t express how much he had loved doing it again.

\- You’re a weird one, Alec. I might even start to like you. » Elias gives him a pat on the shoulder and goes away.

Later on the afternoon, Alec is tidying up the archery room when Magnus comes through the door.

\- We do have magic for that, you know. »

\- Yes, but I like to check everything is tidy, and you should keep your magic for more important stuff. »

\- We don’t fight like this every day. I had a glimpse at the true extent of your skills earlier, I’m curious, care to give me a show ? » Magnus asks. He moves, and the targets start to fly all over the room, at various speeds.

\- With pleasure ! » Alec takes his bow and throws arrow after arrow, hitting bull’s eye in every target. Each time a target has been hit, the arrow comes back magically in his quiver. 

\- That’s so cool, thanks Magnus ! » Alec actually sounds excited for the first time ever. He loses himself in the pratice, focused on his moves.

\- You’re not getting bored ? » Alec asks after a while.

\- I just like what I see. » Magnus is smiling warmly at him from the back of the room, and there is a hint of something else in his voice. Arousal, Alec realizes. He feels like reality is crashing into him. How stupid is he to think Magnus is indeed interested in his archery skills ? He lowers his bow and the targets stop moving.

\- I don’t understand. If you find me attractive, why do you deny yourself ? I’m at your disposal, that hasn’t changed, you can do anything to me. » 

Magnus’ face falls and he seems to go from playful to tense in one second. Way to set the mood, Lightwood, Alec admonishes himself.

\- That’s exactly why I won’t do anything. Sex is something you do with someone, not to them. We talked about it the other night, remember ? Nobody should ever do anything with you that you don’t understand, want and freely agree to. » Magnus comes closer to him.

\- But what if some people want it all the time ? It would be ok for others to just help themselves then, wouldn’t it ? »

\- Do you ? Want it all the time, as you put it ? »

\- I… They say I do. And I don’t feel different, when I have sex and when I don’t. So maybe it’s just my default mode ? I might not always be aware of it, but I do want to ? »

\- Are you asking or saying ? Because you don’t sound very certain right now. »

\- You’re confusing me. You don’t understand how it is... » Alec struggles with the words, and falls silent.

\- Why don’t you try to explain it to me then ? »

\- It’s that… For years, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just couldn’t act… be like everybody else, and I felt… weird things. Then my elders, they told me I had this defect, something was broken in me, that made me want to have sex with guys all the time. And the Angel makes no mistake, so I’ve been made to ease negotiations, or provide relief to others. That way it was possible for me to stay at the Institute, as long as it would not get out of hands. As long as I was used often enough, I would not hurt anyone. You’re not using me. I’m scared. I… »

\- They told you you might assault someone else if nobody uses you for sex for a while ? » Magnus looks horrified and angry. Alec fears he just understood what kind of monster he took in.

\- I don’t want to ! But I still should have told you, what if... » His voice breaks. How could he let something so important be unspoken for so long ? How could he forget such a risk ? But Magnus cuts his train of though.

\- What if you treat someone else like you’ve been treated ? Because it’s right to hurt you but it wouldn’t be right for you to hurt someone else ? » Magnus doesn’t look angry anymore, just impossibly sad.

\- That’s not the same. I could hurt an innocent. »

\- You’ve been here for two weeks. Do you feel like you miss sex and are at risk of jumping on me right now ? »

\- I don’t know ! I don’t feel anything. I… »

\- Alec. Listen to me. What they told you is wrong, and what they did to you is awful. What we’re talking about here, it’s not sex, it’s rape. And, please, look at me. It is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re not a danger to anyone, except maybe yourself. I’ve looked at you for the past two weeks. I’ve seen you put the last pancakes aside for Gor. I’ve seen you peal the tomatoes for Ella because you already know she prefers them like that. I’ve seen you read to the kids, and play dumb games with them for hours without a complaint. I’ve seen you teach the teens and make every one of them feel strong and appreciated. There is not an evil bone in you, Alexander. » Magnus comes closer and put his hand under Alec’s chin, making him looking up so he can look into his eyes when he adds : « You’re kind, and sensitive, and strong. And if your people can’t see that, that’s their loss. But if they abuse you and make you hate yourself for one aspect of your personality that you didn’t chose and can’t help, that’s not just a loss, that’s a tragedy. »

\- You don’t know me enough. If you knew who I really am, you would understand I’m none of these things. All I am weak and wrong. I should have been able to do my duty, to not let my… proclivities take the better of me.

\- So you should have been able to put down a part of you ? To lie all you life ?

\- We should not put our own desires before the greater good.

-Maybe. I know you have this holy mission. You can still serve your Angel and be yourself. I see myself as a freewheeling bisexual » Magnus adds with a smile. « Does it make me wrong ? Does it make everything I do meaningless or shameful ? I still think I’m a pretty badass High Warlock. To be honest, I’d say it has nothing to do with what I’m worth, it’s just a part of who I am. Who you want, who you love, it’s a part of you. But at the end of the day, it’s not such a big deal. It shouldn’t be. It certainly doesn’t tell me everything about you, and it shouldn’t be the only thing that matters when you define yourself. » Magnus makes a pause before saying : « I’ll see you at dinner ? » It sounds like a question. It helps Alec find his voice again.

\- Sure. I’ll just… finish here first. » Alec goes back to his task mechanically. Magnus words are burning in his mind. Being attracted to men, it destroyed his life. It made him unworthy, it made everything he ever tried to be meaningless. And yet, it’s not such a big deal. Someone could actually know that about him, and just… acknowledge it. Alec feels tears falling on his face, and doesn’t try to stop them. He can’t do anything but hear these words in his head, again and again. It’s not such a big deal. His legs don’t support him anymore, so he lets himself go to the floor, his back against the closest wall, takes his head in his hands, and cries.

The next day, Magnus asks him to come with him on an errand. They actually go to a shop where Alec doesn’t understand what Magnus is actually buying (some potion ingredients, maybe ?) before they stop for a drink. The coffee shop is warm and cozy, but Alec wonders why Magnus has asked him to come here with him. Even if he wants to talk with him alone, they could have done it at the house. He nearly asked when they arrived a few minutes back, but once again decided otherwise. It’s not his call, anyway. 

\- What would you like to drink, Alexander ? »

\- I don’t mind. » He doesn’t even look at the menu. « Black coffee is good » he adds, thinking it’s probably the cheapest and safest choice.

\- You can pick whatever you want, you know. There is no right answer. » Magnus takes a menu and hands him another one. « Oh, I’ll try the Doubleshot Mocha Extra Cream. You should try it ! »

Alec seems lost.

\- You never been to a place like this, I guess ? » smiles Magnus

\- No. Never to drink something. Sometimes I meet ... » Alec realizes what he’s saying and cuts himself. « Sorry »

\- Sometimes you met the men your Institute sold you to in places like this one, that’s what you mean ? »

Alec nods.

\- Except present tense » he whispers.

\- What ? » Magnus looks puzzled.

\- You say that like it’s in the past. It’s not. »

Magnus cringes and is at lost for a moment. Then he asks.

\- Why are you sorry ? »

\- You don’t want to hear about that. You invited me here, it’s nice, I should appreciate it, not darken the mood. » He says this in a strained tone that makes Magnus thinks there’s something more in his mind. So he asks :

\- Why do you think I invited you here, Alec ? »

\- You always do nice things for me. Like the bow, the archery room, or giving me my own room to sleep in. And the books. You defended me in front of the other warlocks the other day, even made me leave so I didn’t have to hear what they thought of me. I’m grateful, I really appreciate it, and it makes me like you, a lot. »

Magnus is puzzled again. Talking with this kid is like crossing a minefield at times. He actually had felt more at ease during some actual battles. Then he figures something out dreadfully.

\- By Lilith. You think I’m grooming you. »

\- No ! I think you want to seduce me before you do anything to… with me. And I really think it’s nice. You really don’t have to, but it does make me want you, like for real. »

\- Alexander. This is no seduction. This is treating you with a modicum of human decency. Like everybody should. I didn’t make you leave the room the other day so we could talk about you behind your back, I just saw you needed a break. I asked them to trust me about you, and they agreed. That’s all. As for today, we’re here to spend time together. It is a way for me to know you better, but not because I want you to want me in your bed. »

As Magnus speaks, the door opens.

\- And this is why we couldn’t just have coffee at the house ! »

And here are Izzy and Jace, coming towards them with big smiles. Alec is bewildered.

\- You invited them ? Why ? »

\- You miss them. I wanted to see you smile. »

\- Why ? » Alec repeats. But before Magnus can answer, Alec finds himself in the center of a family hug.

\- Good to see you, big bro ! » Izzy beams

\- I’ll let you to it » says Magnus.

\- You didn’t even have coffee ! » interjects Alec. « Stay with us »

His siblings look surprised, but don’t say anything.

\- Just for a drink, then. I’ll give you some time for yourselves afterwards. »

\- Thank you for inviting us, Magnus » says Izzy. « We were dying to see Alec, and as we’re not really getting closer to catch Valentine, it might be a while before your arrangement is over. » She looks oddly at Magnus, as if she’s balancing between hugging and beheading him.

\- Don’t do that, Izzy, Magnus has been nothing but kind to me, don’t think about ways to hide his body after you murder him » Alec is smiling. A joke, Magnus realizes, the kid made a joke. Magnus laughs.

\- Don’t flatter yourselves, Nephilim, I’m not that easy to kill. Shall I take your orders ? »

They all order drinks, Alec, for his delight, asking for a Chocolate Macchiato, and Magnus goes to the bar.

\- Seriously, Alec » Jace asks quietly. « How are you ? »

\- Seriously, Jace, I’m fine. Magnus hasn’t hurt me. Not just that, but he gave me a bow, and let me practice in a special room ! I can even teach some warlocks who want to learn archery. And I’ve got my own bedroom, and bathroom. And I help in the kitchen, and I always eat with the others. I play with the kids, too, they let me. There’s this little girl, Madzie, she’s a a few years younger than Max, she always asks me for bedtime stories. We’re both really into Dr. Seuss these days. » Alec looks at his siblings. « Honestly, if you could be there with me, I’d say I haven’t been this happy in years. »

\- It shows, bro. I haven’t heard you talk that much in years. You sound like your old self. » Jace has a big but sad smile on his face.

\- I know it won’t last. But everyone is kind with me. They talk to me. Some of them are still wary about me being… having been a Shadowhunter, but none of them mind about… » He’s suddenly silent.

\- About you being gay ? » asks Izzy

\- Yeah. That. They don’t mind. There’s two women at the house, they live together, no one care. They’re married ! And I’m not saying it’s right, just that they are. And they know what I do, and they don’t treat me like dirt for that either. I’m sorry, I make it sounds like I’m normal, that’s not my point. They’re just kind and... »

\- Alec, I’m so happy you have an opportunity to live this. Have you considered they might be right, and the Shadowhunters might be wrong ? » Izzy asks carefully

\- I concur. Ok, I didn’t hear the beginning of that sentence » Magnus is back with their drinks, and winks at Izzy. « But Shadowhunters are usually wrong, about so many things. »

\- First of these things being fashion ! Magnus, you have to tell me where you found that jacket » Izzy beams. It’s clearly a way to lighten the mood, and Alec is grateful.

They chat animatedly after that, Alec mostly listening, a quiet smile on his face. 

After a while, Magnus rises.

\- It’s been a pleasure, but I have to go. Alec, whenever you want to come back to the lair, go to the alley we portaled to earlier and text me, I’ll open a portal for you. »

\- I can go back now. No need to disturb you later. »

\- Nonsense. Enjoy your siblings’ company, I’m sure you still have lots of things to say to each other. I’ll see you tonight. »

\- Thanks so much, Magnus. » Alec is looking like he doesn’t believe his luck. « At what time should I be back ? »

\- Whenever. If you want to go to diner together, just text Dilah so she doesn’t count you in for tonight. »

\- I don’t want to make you wait. I’ll come back whenever you tell me to. »

\- Alec, you’re neither a child nor a prisoner. You don’t have to keep a curfew. If you want to schedule another meeting, that’s okay too. I wish you could just come and go as you wish, but we have to portal in and out of the lair for safety reasons. »

Alec looks up, bewildered. 

\- I would never go anywhere without your permission, Magnus. »

\- But you should. And I hope one day you will. Isabelle, Jace, take care and good luck with your shadowhunting ! »

\- Shadowhunting, I like it. » Izzy says « Magnus, I’ll walk you to the door »

And they’re gone.

\- Izzy is not exactly subtle, I hope she’s not threatening him again. » Alec says.

\- I’m sure she’s not. He’s obviously a good guy, and he’s right, you know. You don’t have to be at his beck and call. »

\- But I do, Jace, you know that. I’m there to keep him happy, and I’m not very good at doing that. »

\- What do you mean, Alec ? »

\- He doesn’t want me if I don’t want him. That’s what he said, anyway. But he doesn’t believe me when I say I do. »

\- Do you ? Want him ? » Jace takes the tone he always has whenever they breach the subject of Alec’s « missions », which is thankfully a very rare occurrence. Alec hates it, it makes him feel like a wounded animal. He tries to explain himself, though.

\- I want to keep the deal on. I don’t want to be a failure. »

\- You know it’s not the same as wanting him don’t you ? » 

Alec is lost. In what way is it different ? He’s with Magnus for a reason, and only for that. Why does he stay if he doesn’t do what he’s good for ?

\- Why does he let me stay if he doesn’t want to use me ? » It doesn’t make sense at all. Except if… « Oh. He pities me, that’s it ? Like you do. By the Angel, I’m pathetic. »

\- Alec. Have you considered maybe he, and I, by the way, genuinely think the Institute is unfair to you, and want to help you ? That’s not pity, that’s care. »

\- You, maybe, but why would he care about me ? »

\- Why wouldn’t he ? Maybe he just dislikes people being punished for thing they have no say on ? » 

\- He told me that. He said it was a tragedy people would… mistreat me for who I am. »

Izzy comes back and takes her seat back.

\- I know you two... » Alec searches for the right word. « don’t totally approve of what the Institute asks of me »

\- Right we don’t » mutters Jace angrily

\- Alec, we don’t « don’t totally approve », we hate it with all our hearts. We’re just sorry we can’t make it stop.» Izzy says sadly.

\- You don’t know everything, you don’t understand… It’s better this way. For everyone. »

\- Better than what, Alec ? » Izzy asks cautiously

\- I could have been exiled, and deruned, for one. And above all, I could hurt someone else. »

\- What ? In what universe would you hurt anyone ? And what about hurting you ? »

\- I don’t matter. And what I am, it makes me unreliable. My thoughts, they’re bad, I could want… »

\- Alec, you’re not some kind of sex-crazed animal just because you like guys. That’s so wrong ! And why would it be wrong of you to want someone who doesn’t want you, but ok to anyone who wants you to have a go ? »

\- That’s different. I’m the one at fault here. For the others, I’m just… convenient. »

\- I can’t listen to that. » Jace is livid. « I didn’t want to bring it now, because we never have time to just chat and enjoy ourselves. But I can’t let it pass. The other day, I overheard Hearttower, Dewsurge and Windland talk about you. Why didn’t you tell us that some Shadowhunters were hurting you too ? »

\- I don’t know what you’re talking about » Alec voice sounds small even to his own ears.

\- Alec, they were wondering when you’d be back because they missed… I can’t say it. »

Alec realizes there is no point in pretending anymore, and feels like he’s drowning in self hatred.

\- Let me guess. They miss getting their cocks sucked by their own personal whore. You can say it, Jace, I know where I stand. Or kneel, for that matter... » Alec laughs bitterly. « I’m sorry you had to hear that. Do you want me to go now ? » He adds, looking down again.

\- What ? Why do you always do that ? »

\- Do what ?»

\- Act as if it doesn’t matter, and as if you deserve to be treated like shit. Act as if it is your goddamn fault ! » Jace is clearly barely keeping it together, and his voice rises.

\- Because it is ? » Alec answers very quietly, trying to calm him down. It works, in a way, because Jace deflates suddenly and doesn’t sound angry at all anymore, just desperate.

\- Our whole society is at fault here, not you, Alec. I don’t know how to make you understand that. » 

They all fall silent for a while.

\- Did... » Jace seems to choose his words carefully. « Was it an order, too, to... » He stops.

\- To serve the Shadowhunters ? No. The elders didn’t think about it. »

\- So why… I’m sorry, I don’t want to imply... »

\- You’re wondering why I did it. You think I asked for it. » Alec’s face falls.

\- No ! And even if… Alec, I just want to understand ! »

\- Why ? You‘re interested ? You just have to ask, you know. Or help yourself, just tell me what and when. I’m a slut, my consent is a given.» Alec knows he’s being unfair. He knows Jace isn’t like that. He’s just so tired of it all, sometimes it’s easier to make people angry than to deal with their pity – or care, however they want to call that. But Jace flinches violently, clearly not angry but deeply hurt. Alec feels guilty, and doesn’t know what to say. It’s Izzy who finds her voice first.

\- Alec, you know that’s not what Jace is asking. And don’t talk about yourself like that. Please. Talk to us.»

Alec doesn’t want to. He wants to run, and never stop running. But he owns them the truth, because they never let him down. Even when they gradually understood what his missions actually were. Even now, that they learned more about it… So he talks.

\- The first time… The first one told me he would say I assaulted him if I didn’t do what he wanted. Nobody would have believed me if I had said otherwise. I would have been deruned and exiled immediately. And it’s not as if he was asking for something I hadn’t done before. Then he shared his idea with some friends. Then it didn’t matter anymore, nowadays they don’t even bother threatening me, it’s just how it is. » Alec shrugs.

\- Who was it, Alec ? That first time ?

\- It doesn’t matter, Izzy. » 

\- Does Dad know, about the other Shadowhunters ? »

\- He knows everything that happens in that Institute. In fact, he walked in on me giving head to Widthland back in the day. That didn’t go well. »

\- What do you mean ? He didn’t stop him ? »

\- No, he just went away. But he made Starkbrand give me a lesson afterwards. » Alec shudders. « To teach me to be more discreet in the future. If an envoy of the Clave had been in his place... »

\- Stop it. He taught you a lesson ? What about Widhtland ? »

\- He got a scolding, I guess. Same reason. Keep doors closed. He was to leave at the end of that week anyway, so it didn’t matter. »

\- Widhtland left for the San Diego institute two years ago ! How long has it been happening ? »

\- It started maybe four months after my first... mission for the Institute ? I'm not sure...»

\- By the Angel. And you said he didn't ask for anything you hadn't done before. Your missions have always been as they are now. » Izzy is not asking, she just seems to be connecting the dots out loud. So Alec doesn't answer, he just looks pointedly everywhere but at his siblings. 

\- Alec, when did this really start ? » It's Jace asking this time, and Alec feels like he owns them the truth. It's not like he has any pride left to try and keep, anyway.

\- Since they made me stop going on patrol. Three years, give or take. I mean, patrol they know of. When I’ve been hurt fighting Abadon, they would likely have let me die, as a lesson for still going out to fight. » Alec says fondly, partly aiming for a diversion, partly just because it's a good memory for him. Yes, he’d been hurt, but the fight, that had been something. 

\- How letting you die could be a lesson ? And how can you be so casual about all that ? »

\- I got used to it. Don’t be mad. I’m not.»

\- You should be. What happens to you is important. You’re important. Our people are hurting you, that’s on them, on us, not on you. What is happening here, it’s rape, and it’s a crime, nothing can make it right, never. » Izzy says firmly.

\- I… You really think that ? »

\- Of course Alec. We both do. » Jace looks like he’s going to cry, which never happens.

\- Magnus said the same. More or less. » Alec seems lost in his thoughts for a moment. « The warlocks… They don’t follow the same rules we do. I wish I could... » Alec’s eyes are suddenly full of tears. « I wish I didn’t have to go back to the Institute. Does it make me a bad person ? That I fit better with Downworlders than with my own people ?»

\- Do you think we’re better than them, as a whole ? »

\- Of course not. »

\- So you have your answer. That might be a bit soon to make a choice, but Magnus told me he’d let you stay, even when Valentine’s not a threat anymore. »

\- What ? »

\- I wanted to ask, that’s why I went with him when he left. But I didn’t have to. He told me he always planned to give you that choice, from the first day. But that now he would be glad if you agreed, because you’re a good person, and he cares about you. Not in general, not because you need it. Because you’re you. »

\- He said that ? »

\- Yes. Promise me you’ll think about it ? »

\- And I’ll never have to... » Alec can’t stop his tears this time. Could this nightmare finally be over ? Because it’s been a nightmare from the very beginning, even though he never let himself acknowledge it. « Sorry, I’m sorry... » Izzy hugs him closely. 

\- It’s ok, big bro. You’ve been so brave, and selfless, for so long. You can let it go. »

\- ‘m not brave. I only ever wanted to be good enough, I never was. I just want to be enough, and I’m so sorry... »


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not happy with this chapter, but I can’t make it work and I need it to go on with the story... So I’m still publishing it like it is, and hope you won’t hate it too much and still read the next one (which will be better, I hope !)

Magnus always looks busy during the next few days, and Alec doesn’t get a chance to ask him about what he told his sister. Not that he would know what to say, or even how to broach the subject. To be honest, Magnus might not have been that busy, but Alec might have been avoiding him as much as he could without being disrespectful, or without looking like he was actually avoiding him.

Alec tries his best to stay focused on the present day, which is quite easy because he is thrilled to be able to teach archery again. He loves teaching the kids the basics, they have lots of fun, but he is also very happy to have half a dozen teenagers or adults warlocks that have asked him for lessons. He’s currently with Caleb who, at 13, shows a great skill at the bow, and enjoys it a lot. They’re working on balance when a very pissed off Lisbeth enter the room.

\- Caleb ! You’re supposed to be helping in the garden ! That’s the third time this past few days that you let others do your chores, I’m telling you, boy, this time they’ll be consequences ! » She walks towards the boy.

Alec puts himself between them.

\- It’s not his fault ! I gave him extra work with archery, he must have forgotten, please don’t punish him. »

\- He knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s old enough to be responsible ! And that’s none of your business, Shadowhunter ! » The word is clearly meant as an insult, and Alec flinches. But he doesn’t move.

\- Please, really, I distracted him. Whatever you intended to do to him, you can do it to me, I’ll take it ! »

\- What ? » Lisbeth seems to deflate. « What do you think I’m going to do exactly ? »

\- I don’t know ! I don’t care, I’ll take it, I won’t fight back ! »

\- By Lilith. Your people are sick. You think I’ll beat him for not doing his chores ? We don’t do that, here, you know. We care about our children. We don’t beat them. Never. » Lisbeth looks appalled, and her eyes go from Caleb to Alec and back several times. « I was going to yell a bit, ok. And give him an additional chore for the few next days, and if he hadn’t done that either, we would have had a serious talk. »

\- Oh. » Alec doesn’t know what to say. He hopes he hasn’t offended Lisbeth on top of everything else by assuming she would beat Caleb for his disobedience. He reminds himself that since he’s been there, it’s true that he never witnessed any corporal punishment, or any punishment at all for that matter. He just didn’t really think about it, and if he had, he would have assumed these happened behind closed doors, like they usually do at the Institute. But it’s also true that he has on more than one occasion see how the children act freely around the grown ups, never seeming afraid or wary. Children and teens are not disrespectful, though, nor lazy or bratty, and he doesn’t really know what to make of that.

\- Yes. That’s how it works here, isn’t it young man ? » Lisbeth asks Caleb

\- Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t help in the garden. I like the bow a lot, but it’s not fair for the others, I won’t do it again. And I’m sorry Alec, that you’ve been scared, and that I put you in that situation. I’ll go help, now, thanks for the lesson ! » And the boy runs, clearly happy to escape the room.

\- I’m sorry I… overreacted. » Alec says in a small voice, ashamed of his outburst.

\- Please don’t be. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you that made you think something awful would happen, but you stood up for the kid anyway, and that’s brave. » She looks at him straight in the eyes and adds earnestly : « You’re a good man, Alec, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. » Then she leaves, too.

On the evening, Alec is quietly playing chess again with Catarina. She asked to play in Magnus’ office, and Alec didn’t think about it twice. But when she starts talking, he realizes she wanted to have some time alone with him.

\- So, I came across Lisbeth this afternoon, and she was very upset about what happened in the archery room this morning.

\- I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to her. I didn’t want to accuse her of anything you might find bad. »

\- Alec, she was worried about you. »

\- She shouldn’t. I’m fine. »

\- Yes, I guess that’s your default answer. So tell me, do you think children should be beaten when they mess up ? »

\- It’s not… We… I mean the Shadowhunters, they’re never seen as children. I forgot it’s not the same here. We are soldiers. If we mess up, we are punished. »

\- You’ve been treated as a soldier since you were born ? »

\- Yes. I mean, until they realized I didn’t deserve to be one. But normally, we’re soldiers our whole lives. So we’re raised as such. That includes trainings, discipline, and punishments. »

\- And what would these punishments be? » Catarina still seems totally absorbed by the game, and is talking casually, as if discussing the weather. It makes it easier for Alec to talk.

\- It depends of what you do. Slaps. Cane. Extra training. Sometimes you have to hold a posture for a while. Once you have received your first rune, if you do something really bad, you get whipped. »

\- When is that, the first rune ? »

\- Usually when you’re twelve. »

\- And what would be something really bad ? »

\- It depends, again. I’ve been whipped a few times for failing to hit bull’s eye in all my targets when I was younger. Some families are more traditional than others, so punishments can be only for willful disobedience, or include failure as well. And anything that would put your team on danger on a patrol, too, cause you start those at the same age. »

\- So you’re telling me they send you patrolling the streets to kill demons at 12 and then beat you if you fail ? And before that, they would cane you for what, not doing your homework on time ? » This time, Catarina has stopped playing. She looks at Alec intensely, but with kindness.

\- Do you see how this can be upsetting for an outsider ? » She adds. Alec first instinct is to make her understand, but he can’t help to see her point though, because the idea that someone would have hurt Caleb disturb him. Caleb is just the same age as his brother Max, and Max would certainly have received a whipping for skipping his chores. That makes him sick.

\- I’m not saying it’s fair. It’s just how it is. If we fail on a mission, we get killed. So we can’t afford to be lenient, or understanding. »

\- I don’t think hurting and terrorizing kids ever made them better at anything. We don’t beat our children. They still end up fine and quite powerful, don’t you think ? It’s you turn. » She says, bringing both their minds back to the game. So Alec doesn’t answer, and resumes playing.

The next day, Alec is in his room (his room ! He still can’t believe he has a room to call his) reading one of the book Magnus gave him, Zen in the Art of Archery, captivated by the new insight it gives him, when Gor opens the door.

\- Sorry I didn’t knock, Magnus asks all of us to come to the living room right now, emergency meeting ! »

\- But… me too ? »

\- He said every grown-up who lives here. How does that not include you ? Come on ! »

Alec hurries after Gor. Everyone is gathering to the living room, which is a very rare occurrence. Alec knows at least nineteen people live permanently in the lair, but today they’re at least twice that number. Some people are standing, some are sitting in every surface available. Alec sees Catarina by Magnus’ side, and Greta on the couch closest to them. Dilah and Lisbeth are sharing an armchair, and Ragnor is standing by the French window. They all look worried.

\- Ok, everybody’s here ? You know me, I’m not one to beat around the bush. I’ve got bad news. Luke Garroway, leader of the werewolves’ pack, just told me that the Clave lied about the Mortal Sword. They never retrieved it. As far as we know, Valentine could have it. And he already has the cup. »

The news fall on the group. Everyone is silent for a second, then it seems they all speak in the same time.

\- What does it mean ? » « Are you sure ? » « I knew it ! » « What can we do ? » « And the mirror » « Nephilim »…

\- Please, everyone ! » Magnus rises his hands in an appeasing gesture « We know he doesn’t have the mirror. It could even have been destroyed, but let’s not hope too much. I wanted to tell you so that we can decide what our next move is going to be, we’ll go nowhere if we don’t listen to each other first. »

\- What are our options, Magnus ? » asks Gor from the end of the room.

\- The Seelie Queen is offering us protection. Her realm is out of reach of the mortal instruments power. But we all know that her offers are never for free, so I guess we need more informations. On the other side, now that they know we know, the Shadowhunters are calling a meeting of all Downworlders representatives. They want to form some kind of alliance. »

\- But their offers are never for free, either. »

\- So you’re saying we’re between a rock and a hard place. »

\- We still need more protection we can provide for ourselves on our own. »

\- We should meet both sides and quickly, cause times is against us. »

\- There is no way we’re working with the Nephilim. Not now we know how they treat their own. » That was Lisbeth talking. Everyone falls silent, and Alec looks down in shame.

\- None of us should make it personal. » Ragnor is talking in his usual thoughtful and slightly grumpy tone. « I agree we should meet both sides, but I think we should work on our own too. Magnus, you told us Clary Fairchild is back with her people nowadays ? » Alec rises his head at that. What is Ragnor on about ?

\- Yes, I keep an eye on her, she’s been there for a few months. » Magnus looks as surprised as Alec feels about that question.

\- So there might be a way to know what Valentine is actually up to. Time is of the essence here, so let’s split and make plans on every lead. Magnus, would you work with me on that Clary idea ? I’d need Dilah, too, and you, Alec, if that’s alright with you. »

\- Of course. Whatever you need. »

\- You sure ? You might have to go against your Law. »

\- I would not put anyone in more danger they’re actually in. But I’ll do everything I can to stop Valentine. Even if it means going against the Clave. »

Ragnor smiles. 

\- Let’s go, then. »

Ragnor plan is based on a genetic connection between Clary and Valentine, one that can be activated through some portal shred from another dimension. Alec doesn’t get how that’s supposed to work, but as the self proclaimed World Expert on Dimensional Magic, Ragnor seems pretty sure of himself, and the others give him the benefit of the doubt.

So they put his plan in action, and Clary agrees to try the connection. Magnus brings her the portal pieces, but nothing happens. She promises to try again the next day, and he goes back to the lair. Alec is still in bed the next morning when his mobile rings. When he hangs up, he runs to find Magnus, who’s alone in the kitchen, nursing a huge mug of black coffee, and looking like he didn’t sleep at all.

\- I just had Jace on the phone. Clary did as you said, and she had some sort of vision. » Alec talks urgently, tying to keep things clear and simple, which he’s usually good at. He seldom sees the point in wasting time in details. « Valentine is at Lake Lynn, with the sword and the cup. Clary thinks the lake is the mirror. There’s an ongoing attack on Alicante, it might be just to distract the Shadowhunters. It could mean Valentine is going to summon the Angel. No one believes that theory, we need a Portal, right now, to check it. Could you open one ? We’ll go, if you allow me to go with them, and you’ll still have time to go to safety ? »

\- No way. Give me a minute to tell Catarina to give the news to everyone, and we’ll go together. »

\- Magnus, you can’t risk that. We’re just speculating here anyway. »

\- You believe it, don’t you ? » Alec nods. « So it’s enough for me. Valentine is threatening my people. It’s my duty to stop him. I’ll be back in a minute, gear up, Shadowhunter ! »

Alec doesn’t actually have a full gear to put on, so he dresses quickly on whatever is closest to one. He’s putting on his quiver when Magnus comes back, and immediately starts to open a Portal.

\- Where are Clary and Jace ? » Magnus asks

\- In the Institute library. »

\- I’ve got it, let’s go. »

They walk through the Portal together, meet Jace and Clary at the Institute and go again, this time ending in Idriss, on the shore of Lake Lynn. Everything is surprisingly quiet. Nobody is on sight. They suddenly hear a Shadowhunters’ patrol coming dangerously close to them. Magnus hides them with a wave of his hands.

\- There’s nothing here ! » Says the chief officer. « I don’t know why we’re here, following the lead of a teenage girl we never heard about before. »

\- She’s Valentine’s daughter. That counts for something, I guess ? »

\- Yes, she might help him. The only thing we know for sure is that Alicante is under attack by these awful creatures, and maybe they just want to divide our troops. We’re going back to defend the city, let’s move ! »

Once the patrol is gone, Magnus lifts the spell.

\- They were right. Nobody’s here. » Jace says. But Clary focuses on a place further on the shore.

\- Just a minute. Look at that. » She points to a weird place, where everything seems foggy.

\- By Lilith. That’s a distraction spell. You can actually buy them ready-made, they’re quite basic. They’re easy to break once you know they’re there. Just focus on the place, as if you wanted to see through some fog. » Magnus says.

They all try, and the fog seems to dissipate suddenly. The place is a bit far away, but they definitely can see at least five shadows on the shore, one of these doing some kind of ritual...

\- Quickly, he started ! » Jace yells. They all run. When Valentine brings the Cup to the lake, Alec lets an arrow fly, and hits his hand. Magnus throws a spell, and the Cup is send further on the shore. Valentine turns around, furious.

\- You won’t stop me ! » He roars.

Valentine runs towards the Cup to take ot back, and his goons attack the group who finally reached them. Magnus, Alec and Jace start to fight fiercely, while Clary put herself between the Cup and her father.

\- Don’t make me hurt you, Clarissa. You know I act for the greater good, for all Shadowhunters.

\- All Shadowhunters willing to surrender to you. And what about the Downworlders ? We won’t let you destroy them. » Clary draws her weapons, and faces her father, who holds the Mortal Sword.

\- Magnus, help her, we’ll take care of the others ! » Alec yells.

Clary obviously knows how to fight, but she started training only a few months back, and she can’t already be on par with one of the strongest Shadowhunter alive. Alec knows that perfectly, because he experimented himself how hard it is to stay a good warrior when you can’t train regularly. Jace and Alec face the four mercenaries, and fight together. They haven’t train together in what seems forever, but they still know how to move in sync, how to be efficient and have each other back. They put their opponents down one by one.

They suddenly hear a cry. Magnus’ hands gleam with a blue-ish light, but Clary is the one who is putting a dagger in Valentine’s heart. He falls, whispering words Alec can’t hear. Jace finishes off the last of Valentine's men. Then everything is silent.

Even the most prejudiced person can’t deny one thing : Downworlders know how to throw parties. Alec barely recognizes the heavily decorated lair. There are people everywhere, drinking, dancing, playing wild games and laughing. 

The music is very loud, and the party is hitting full force. Alec feels happy, but a bit overwhelmed too, and goes to the balcony for fresh hair. He’s been here a few minutes when the french window opens again, and Magnus joins him, holding a cocktail.

\- To our victory » he offers, clinging his glass against Alec’s beer. « It’s good you’re here, I’ve been wanting to talk to you for ages and never got the chance, with all this drama going on. Did your sister talk to you ? »

\- About me staying here ? » Magnus nods. « She did, yes. » Alec says sadly.

\- You don’t want to. » Magnus states, defeated.

\- It’s not I don’t want to. Being here, with you, with everybody, it’s the happiest I’ve been in years. By the angel, maybe in my whole life. But I shouldn’t. » Alec’s eyes are fixed on the floor.

\- You shouldn’t be happy ? »

\- Yes. No. Maybe. I’d be a burden for you anyway, and I’d put you at risk. Valentine’s threat is over, but the Institute, they won’t want me to stay, I’m not worth risking a diplomatic feud. » Alec doesn’t dare looking up.

Magnus comes closer and puts a hand under Alec’s chin to rise his head.  
\- Please, look at me. You’re worth so much more trouble than you could ever cause. And we’ve just defeated Valentine. I’ll tell them you’re my reward. » Magnus cringes at his own words. « Or I won’t. I’ll tell them to go fuck themselves and that they’ll never put a hand on you ever again, not as long as I live, and I intend to live for a very long time. »

Alec looks at him in awe. 

\- I trust you. I really do. But it doesn’t make sense at all, what you’re saying. Why you care. Why you want to fight for me. I shouldn’t want that, stay here, be safe, be free. I should have accepted my comeuppance by now. It’s so wrong that I haven’t… I’m just selfish... »

\- It’s not wrong at all, and don’t you see it means the opposite ? That you still care, and that you’re so, so strong, that despite everything they’ve done to do, you’re still here, still yourself, and still alive. It means that despite their best efforts, you beat them. They didn’t destroy you. »

\- I don’t feel like myself. I don’t even know who I am, or what I feel. Most of the times, everything is so confusing, I don’t feel anything, it’s like I don’t even exist anymore. Like I’ve never been real.» Alec is shuddering. He never admitted that to anyone, this emptiness inside that terrorizes him more than anything else.

\- Alexander, what you’re describing, it’s depression. It’s not who you are, it’s a result to what you’ve been through. Catarina, and me, we can help you get better, but you can’t go back there. Your people, they hurt you, and they made you believe lies after lies to blame you for their sins. You need to be away from them, to rediscover yourself and heal. Please, Alec, stay with me. »

\- The other night, you told me your father tried to drown you when he realized you were a warlock. It was true, right ? » If Magnus is surprised at the apparent change of topic, he doesn’t show it.

\- I wouldn’t make up something like that, Alexander. He thought I was a demon and he was terrified. That doesn’t make it right, and I’m quite happy he didn’t succeed. »

\- I know. I am too. » Alec seems very deep in thoughts. « What I mean is… I always believed my father couldn’t be wrong. That he knew better, so if he thought I deserved what happened to me, it had to be true. But your dad, he thought you were bad, and dangerous, and he was wrong. Maybe mine is, too. I don’t know. Maybe I could try to stay a bit longer, to find out ? »

And Alec stays. The warlocks go back to their own homes, and he goes to live with Magnus in his Brooklyn loft. Magnus adds an archery room to that flat too. He already has enough guest rooms to allow Alec to pick one. Alec spends his days training, walking – he never really had time to just wander around the city and he really loves it – and thinking about his next move. Magnus told him to take his time, that he would help him pursue any interest he might have. Magnus also went to the Institute. Alec didn’t ask how that went, he really doesn’t want to know, but nobody tried to get him back. Izzy told him on the phone that she didn’t hear anything. However, they did receive a fire message from the Clave, inviting both of them to a ceremony to celebrate Valentine’s defeat, two weeks later.

Meanwhile, Alec feels like he’s in some sort of limbo. Not a bad one, but a very confusing one. Catarina comes nearly every evening. They play chess, but Alec has a feeling it’s just a way to talk to him. She gave him some kind of medicine too, to help with what she calls his dissociative tendencies. She says it’s a perfectly normal reaction to the kind of trauma he experimented, but he’s not sure he agrees with that. Shadowhunters don’t accept mental issues. Whatever happens to you, you just suck it up and get better, and fast, or you end up in the Silent City, and never come back.

\- You don’t have to come so often, I know you’re very busy, and I don’t want to be a burden. » He says an evening, after she came five days in a row.

\- You’re just afraid you’ll lose again, Shadowhunter, don’t look for excuses ! » she smiles and sets the board.

\- I mean it, you know, I’m better, really, thank you for everything, but I’m sure you have other things to do. »

\- As it happens, I enjoy your company. And I don’t buy your « don’t worry I’m perfectly fine » act. I know you’re not, and you really need to acknowledge it if you really want to get better. »

\- So you’re here as some kind of therapist ? »

\- I do think you need therapy. But I’m here as your friend. If you consider going to therapy, I can give you the name of someone who knows enough about the Shadow world to understand you. I’ll still come play with you, though. »

\- Why ? Not the game, the therapy. Why do you think I need it ? You think it could fix me ? »

\- It’s not about getting fixed, you know. Nothing’s wrong with you. But the people you should have been able to trust the most have betrayed you horribly. They told you lies, they made you think you were wrong. I think you’ve been hurt, and I think you’ve had to deal with it all by yourself, for a long time. An outsider opinion could help you. And a therapist would be here just for you. You could tell them anything, no expectation, no judgement. It might help you feel better. »

\- I know you don’t believe me, but I’m fine. I mean, I’m happy enough. I don’t need to feel better. »

\- What do you expect from life, Alec ? »

\- What do you mean ? I know I need to find a job, I have to get hold on some ID, and I could find something, I could give archery lessons maybe, and in the meantime, work in a shop, or some kind of pub, so I could move out, don’t impose on Magnus so much. »

\- That’s a possibility. A mean to an end. Where would you like to live ? »

\- I don’t care. I don’t need much anyway. »

\- And apart from what you already know, is there something you want to study ? Or some place you’d like to visit ? »

\- Not really. I’m way behind any Mundane my age, it's not like I could get a degree in anything. As for traveling I… »

\- Yes ? »

\- I’ve always had that… it’s stupid. Some kind of mental list of the Institutes I’d love to see. Amsterdam. Rome. Do you know the Maui Institute has no external walls, and barely any ceiling ? And in Shangaï it’s build in an old temple with such a thick door that you can’t knock, let alone open it manually. That must be something. I’m sorry. You don’t want to know that. I know I’ll never be allowed to go there anymore. Not that I could have before. It was just a silly dream. »

\- And why couldn’t you pursue your dreams ? »

\- We don’t do that, I mean, that’s not how Nephilim are raised. We have duties, not dreams. »

\- I don’t see why one would exclude the other. And your people, they still value family, don’t they ? Do you want to have one ? A partner ? Kids ? »

\- No ! Of course not. I mean, I don’t think someone would want me anyway. But kids, no, why do you ask ?’

\- Why wouldn’t I ? You’re good with kids and you seem to like them a lot. They certainly love you. »

\- You know I can’t. What I am. »

\- That you’re what, gay ? Yes, I figured out. So ? »

\- I know you don’t see that as an issue. But it is, for the Nephilim. There are no such a thing as a gay Shadowhunter. I know I’m not a Shadowhunter anymore, but it doesn’t make it ok to be… not for me, anyway. Everything screams to me that it’s wrong. So to impose that on a child… »

\- Any child would be lucky to have you as a father. »

\- I really can’t see why you’d say that. I have nothing to give. That goes for relationships, too. And I’m used goods anyway, no one wants someone that everybody already had, at least not for more than a few hours. »

\- It’s not your fault that people have hurt you, Alec. »

\- They wouldn’t have if I wasn’t already broken. Or if I had been better at hiding it. I did bring this on myself, in a way. »

\- I guess that’s what they told you, but it’s wrong. They raped and abused you, or sold you to others. Whatever they tell you or themselves to make it right, it’s not, it never is. »

\- I don’t know. Sometimes… My father was among them, you know. I mean he gave the orders, he never… Sometimes it’s easier to think that he had no choice that to acknowledge he just hated me that much. But Magnus told me, about his dad. The mundane one. It wasn’t right for him to do what he did. Magnus was just a kid, he did nothing wrong. »

\- Neither did you. It’s unfair, that the people who should love us the most, and help us become who we are meant to be, just do the opposite sometimes. It’s sad, and such a pity. But no one has the right to tell you who you should be or how you should live your life, or to punish you if you’re not what they want you to be. »

\- I don’t know who I am, or what I want. I’m lost. All I feel is broken. »

\- I know. You’re 18, Alec. Your life begins. And here you are, not even daring to hope for anything good in your future. You’re convinced you’re worthless. You cut yourself short. All the time. You’re so used to have people put you down that you don’t dare stand up for yourself. And it makes me sad, because I see you. Not as you see yourself, but as you are. You’re kind, and brave, and selfless. You’re passionate whenever you forget to shut yourself down. And I’d love to see the man you could become, if you just let yourself shine. That’s what I think you need help. Just to be able to be yourself, because you’re so much more than what you think you are. »


	5. Chapter 5

A few days later, Magnus and Alec are watching television in the evening. They’re lying on a couch, nearly buried under fluffy cushions and plaids, and drinking some herbal tea, so relaxing that Alec wonders if Magnus put something special in it. 

\- So these people actually volunteer to go to a desert island and starve, while doing pointless physical tests ? » Alec is obviously not familiar with reality shows. Magnus loves to see him react to them, and to pop culture in general, because it’s all so fresh and genuine, it makes himself see things in another light. He likes explaining it to Alec. And if he teases him a bit about his total lack of understanding of the Mundane way of life, it’s just to have a bit of fun. Ok, maybe a lot of fun. 

\- Yes ! And only one of them wins money at the end ».

\- But why couldn’t they win this money by doing something useful ? »

\- That’s supposed to be entertaining, and these are actually a challenge for them. »

\- They’re not even that good. None of them would last ten seconds against a Shax demon. »

\- And that’s why Shadowhunters aren’t allowed in tv-shows. You would build a walled city and patrol the beaches and start a fishing industry in a matter of days, and everyone watching would die of boredom. »

Magnus looks mischievous and incredibly cozy. Alec feels a wave of tenderness for him. Without thinking, he leans towards the warlock and kisses him. It’s very sweet at first, but as Magnus starts to kiss him back, a longing awakes deep inside him. Alec freezes, and then jerks up, getting away from the couch.

\- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that, I’ll just get out… »

\- Alexander, calm down please, you’ve done nothing wrong. » Magnus sits up and pats the couch beside him. « Come back, sit with me, please ». Alec does, watching the floor in shame. « That’s better. Why are you sorry ? »

\- I didn’t ask. I forced myself on you. And you made it abundantly clear you didn’t want me. »

\- I kissed you back, though. And should I have say no, you would have stopped, wouldn’t you ? »

\- Of course ! I don’t know what happened, by the angel, I am a slut. I ruined our evening because I... » 

\- Don’t call yourself names, please. You didn’t ruin anything. Alexander, was it your first kiss ? »

\- You know damn well it wasn’t. » Alec snaps.

\- Let me rephrase it. Was it the first time you initiated a kiss ? Because you wanted it ? »

\- I… sometimes I didn’t really know who started what anymore. That’s not the point, Magnus ! You told me nobody should ever start anything before asking the other for consent, and I didn’t, I’m no better than them. »

\- You’re nothing like the men who abused you. They touched you without your consent because they felt like they owned you, because they wanted to assert their power over you or your people and didn’t care about you, or even wanted to hurt you. You kissed me because you care about me, because, despite what you think, you’re still very new to all that, and that makes it more likely for you to be overwhelmed by your feelings. I never felt like I had no choice, not for a second. Do you see how it is different ? »

\- I don't know. I still should have asked, and above all, I shouldn’t have done it ! We were having a great time, and I have to make it sexual, so they were right, I do want it all the time, I can’t act normal, I shouldn’t be allowed around normal people... I’m just pathetic. »

\- You’re not pathetic, you’re hurting. Alexander, we’ve spend lots of time together in the past few weeks, and you just kissed me now. That doesn’t strike me as an obsessive behavior. Let’s talk about it quietly, just to see what happened, ok ? Why did you kiss me ? »

\- I don’t know. I felt… good. Relaxed. And you looked… »

\- Yes ? »

\- You looked cute... and happy. I wanted to be close to you. »

\- Good, that’s a good reason. And I know I’m irresistible. » Magnus is smiling, clearly trying to lighten the mood. « So you kissed me, and then, why did you stop ? » He goes on gently.

\- Because I didn’t ask ! And in the same time, I realized I didn’t want… I really… I... » Alec is sputtering, but Magnus lets him take his time to find the right words. « I didn’t want more, so I shouldn’t tease you. And you don’t want me anyway. It’s so confusing ! »

\- Alexander, that’s not teasing. And even if it was, you can tease someone to death, if you want to stop, whenever you want to stop, everything stops. The others can express their frustration, but they have no right to make you follow through or be violent in any way with you. »

Alec seems lost.

\- You can’t do that ! Start something and have second thoughts ! » He exclaims.

\- Of course you can. Maybe you changed your mind, maybe things went in a way you don’t like, maybe you just felt bad. Whatever the reason. Consent is not a free pass. You give it all the time, and you can take it away all the time. Even if you’re doing something you’ve done a thousand times. Even if you’re doing something as simple as a kiss, or even holding someone’s hand. And you can kiss someone out of tenderness, it doesn’t have to lead to more. »

\- I’ve never been kissed outside of sex. » Alec says. « Sorry, that’s irrelevant. »

\- Not at all. That’s just on point. Alexander, I know you’ve had lots of experience, and you would not consider yourself innocent. But you are, in so many ways. You have to learn how to recognize and accept your own desires, how to engage in a relationship, how to decipher your feelings. You didn’t have a chance to experiment arousal, attraction, romantic love. You have to learn to know what you want and ask for it, while listening to what the other is asking you, without forgetting you can say no, nothing, not that, or not now. »

\- It seems impossible to do both. »

\- It’s not that hard, you know. You just try, and see what’s working and what’s not, without overthinking things. » Alec actually snorts at that.

\- Izzy tells me all the time to stop doing that. Overthinking. But I need to, cause a wrong move can be very dangerous. It was as a Shadowhunter, and it still is now. I mean, I made some mistakes at first, and it went really bad. »

\- Would you tell me more ? You don’t have to if you don’t want, but I’d listen if you do. »

\- I never talked to anyone about it. I’m so scared you… » Alec shuts himself.

\- If it’s about what I might think of you, nothing you tell me would change the way I see you. You’re not what happened to you, and the fact that people have hurt you would never make me think less of you. If anything, it would show me how brave you are. »

\- But I’m not, that’s the point. I overthink things because I want to go along with what is asked of me. I’m nothing but obedient. »

\- You did what you had to do to survive. »

\- You can tell that if it makes you feel better. I did, too, for a while. But I never tried to escape. I never even say no to anything. Sometimes, at first, when it truly hurt, I asked whoever was using me to stop, but I quickly understood it was pointless. So I got good at it. I trained. It’s not that different from training to fight. I learned to read people, guess what their next move would be, guess what they want, and give it to them. They started whoring me out on their own account, to teach me a lesson maybe, but it went on and I became high on demand because I was good at it. »

\- Let’s say you’re right. Maybe they would have stopped if you’d been very bad, or even fought a lot. And then what ? »

\- I don’t know. That’s my point. I’ll never know. I’m a natural born bitch. »

\- Alex… » Magnus tries to interject, but Alec cuts him.

\- Even now, even knowing you wouldn’t hurt me if I said no, you’d just have to say a word, you know, and I would drop to my knees or spread my legs without a second thought. You try to help me, I see that, and respect my boundaries, but I have no boundaries to be respected. You order, I execute. That’s all I know. »

\- If that were true, if it was your natural instinct or whatever, why would it make you so sad ? » Magnus says in a soft voice. Alec doesn’t understand at first, and then he realizes he’s crying. Again.

\- I’m just weak. »

\- You’re not. You’re fighting yourself. You’ve been put in an impossible situation, and the only way you found to make sense of it was to convince yourself it was meant to be this way, because of your Angel, or your nature, or whatever. The only instinct at work here is survival. You did what you had to do, and now you feel like what you did is who you are. It’s not. Your obedience and you capacity for adaptation kept you alive. It’s hard to let go of something that kept you alive for so long, but it’s killing you now. Because it’s not who you are. You had to put yourself down for so long that you forgot who you are. But this person wants to be seen now, and you have to let it happen. You’re the only one who can do that. »

\- I wish I could believe this. I hear you, you know. And Cat. What you do, how you’re trying to help me. But it’s like I can’t integrate it. Like I’m always going to be this fucked up mess. »

\- That’s normal, you know. None of us expect you to take our word and just magically heal or something. I certainly don’t expect you to change, because you don’t need to. You’re perfect the way you are. I just want you to be happy. »

Alec is taken aback by this idea. Before he can stop himself and stay focused, he asks : 

\- Why ? I mean, I know Ragnor said you have a thing for lost causes and strays, but I still don’t get it. »

\- Ragnor thinks he knows a lot of thing, but he doesn’t get emotions as well as he thinks he does. I would have helped anyone in your situation, that’s true. But asking you to stay was not as selfless as you might think. I feel good around you, Alexander. Since the very first time I’ve seen you, at that silly party, I’ve felt… something. I care about you, and that’s not something I can really explain. »

Alec looks at Magnus, his unruly black hair, his kind smile, and his amazing cat’s eyes. He then admits something he spent a lot of time agonizing about. 

\- I felt this, too, you know, that night. I pushed it away immediately, because I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but I did. » As soon as he says it, Alec feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. 

\- Alexander, the last thing I want is for you to feel any pressure of any kind towards me. I don’t want you to do anything because you think I want it, and I’m not sure yet I could tell if it were the case. But I think it’s not fair to let you think I just treat you like I would treat anyone else, because I don’t. I like you, and I liked that kiss. And if you never want to do it again, it doesn’t change the fact that I like you and enjoy your presence here. And if you do want to do it again, that’s up to you. What I mean is, whatever you want, I’m in. »

\- Magnus, can I kiss you again ? I… kind of really liked that last one, and I’d like to try again. Maybe, without the abrupt ending... » Alec is actually smiling, like he’s trying to joke. Magnus beams.

\- By all means, I’m yours ! »

So Alec leans forward and kisses Magnus tentatively. He feels his cheeks burning, and can’t help but scold himself for feeling so embarrassed to do something so innocent, when he’s done so much more so many times. 

Then Magnus kisses him back, and all he feels is warmth and happiness.

They resume their evening, just adding some making out sessions. When they both start to be sleepy, Alec starts to get nervous again. He knows Magnus just told him that kissing doesn’t have to lead to anything else, but he can’t help but wonder if it’s alright to let Magnus go to bed potentially unsatisfied.

\- I’m calling it a night. » Magnus cuts his thought with one last quick kiss and a sweet goofy smile. « I’ll see you in the morning, sleep well, sweetheart. » And just like that, Magnus goes to his room and closes the door in the exact same way he usually does.

No hesitation, no expectation. It gives Alec a lot to think about, and an amazing relief, too. 

The next days go the same way. Nothing changes, except they make out every so often. Magnus never initiates anything, but seems happy to indulge Alec anytime. It does bother him a bit, though, so after a few days he decides to ask. Magnus is cooking french toast one morning when he tentatively tries.

\- Magnus, I just meant you to know that you can… you know, you don’t have to wait… I mean, it’s ok if you want to start kissing me sometimes, too. I get you don’t want me to feel pressured or whatever, but still, you can. I’d… say no, if I had to. Not that I don’t want… but... »

Magnus has stopped cooking and is looking at Alec, a spatula still in his hands.

\- You’re right, Alexander. I should have talked to you about it, instead of assuming you wanted me to act a certain way. Why don’t we seat and talk about it ?

Alec cringes a bit, but he sits down. More talking, just what he needs right now. Magnus chuckles, puts two mugs of coffee on the table and takes a seat too.

\- We do need to talk about things, you know, » he says fondly. « And it doesn’t have to be that awful. »

\- I know, Magnus, it’s just… like with the kissing… sometimes I’d just want things to be easy. Natural. To just… Let go. »

\- I get it. We’ll come to that, I hope. But you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable. This is new to me, too, and I’m afraid I could hurt you without meaning to. »

\- I’m not that frail, you know. »

\- Of course you’re not, you’re tough as nail. I still need to know your boundaries, and I want to give you the space to find them. That’s why I let you take the lead. »

\- I see that. But maybe you could… ask ? »

\- You know what, with all my experience and legendary wisdom, I just didn’t think about that. My my, Alexander, you’re getting good at that talking things out stuff. »

\- Don’t make fun of me. »

\- I’m really not. But honestly, would you like that, if I asked when I want to kiss you ? Would you feel confident you can say yes or no, and everything’s fine with me ? »

\- It could even actually help, I guess. If you let me think about it when I’m not sure, and I know you would. So, yes, I’d like that. Then I would know for sure that you want it, too. »

\- Oh, of course. I do. And you need to know it, too. I’m sorry, I feel stupid. I’m so glad you told me about it ! It shows me your trust, and I’m so happy. »

\- I do, trust you. I always have, even before you gave me good reasons to. »

\- And so did I. There’s something in you, Alexander, and you’re showing it to me more and more every day, and I’m so grateful. May I kiss you now ? »

\- Though you’d never ask. » Alec smirks.

\- And he's funny, too, by Lilith, come here, angel. »

The french toasts manage to get weirdly both burned and cold that morning, and Magnus finally summons waffles.

On the next Saturday, Magnus has the honor – in the Shadowhunters opinion anyway - to be invited in Alicante for an official ceremony to celebrate the defeat of Valentine and thank everyone involved. That includes Jace and Clary, Magnus, and Alec. 

When they all arrive in Idriss, they’re asked to come to Consul Penhallow office. They have the displeasure to see that there are Robert, Upperland, and two of the elders of the New York Institute, as well as the Inquisitor, a few of the Clave highest representatives and, for a reason Magnus can’t quite get, his friend Ragnor. 

Of course, they’re going to give credit to the Institute, Magnus thinks bitterly. He sees that Alec shrinks, and can’t help but place himself in a way that shields him from his abusers’ reach. 

\- Welcome, High Warlock Bane, Shadowhunters, we’ll proceed to the official ceremony in half an hour but I wanted to thank you personally before you receive the gratitude of all the Nephilim. Your bravery will not be forgotten, and your actions gave us hope again in a brighter future for all.

\- We did act on the benefit of Downworlders and Shadowhunters alike, Madam Consul. We’re all celebrating a victory here. Still, I appreciate your words, and I’ll share them with my people. » Magnus says with a slight bow.

\- There’s something else I need to say. » Jia Penhallow looks directly at Alec. « Mr Lightwood, I have to say I’ve been impressed by your actions in the case at hand. And surprised, at the same time, that you acted with the warlocks – no offense, please. So I asked Mr Fell here why you lived with the warlock community at the time, and it’s an understatement to say I didn’t like the answer. To be honest, I didn’t believe it at first – again, please, don’t take offense. So I asked around. » She turns towards the New York Institute representatives. « And I learned you abused one of your own in the most despicable ways. Your own son, Robert. »

\- Madam, you have to know why we... » Robert says urgently

\- Enough ! Whatever the boy is or does, you have no excuse. We are not the most open-minded people, we Nephilim, we believe in traditions and we do follow a harsh law. That doesn’t mean we condone sex trafficking as a punishment, even if there was a crime, which was clearly not the point here. So the Clave made a decision. » She takes an even more official tone if possible, before she pronounces the next words :

\- Robert, Thomas, Arthur and Edmond, you’re under arrest right now, and you’ll wait in our cells for your trial, which will be held as soon as possible. I don’t want to hear anything from you right now. To be honest, I don’t even want to look at you right now. Guards ! »

There is a bit of a commotion after that, with guards entering, some resistance and pleas, some harsh words, too. 

For Alec, it’s all a blur. The thing he always feared the most just happened, and the Clave condemned them. Every official of the Clave in the room clearly know about what he is and what he does, and nobody seem to accuse him of anything. Some even look pitiful, which he doesn’t like either.

\- Mr Lightwood, I want you to know we had no idea of what was happening or we’d have put an end to it immediately. Some of our people were so mistaken about our values and what we stand for that they acted in an unspeakable way towards one of our own. That happened under my watch. As the Consul, it is my responsibility to know such things. So I failed you, as did all the Shadowhunters of New York, whether they actively hurt you or not. Miss Morgenstern, I know you very recently arrived at the Institute, and I can believe you were unaware of anything. Mr Bane, I thank you for standing up for a Shadowhunter when his own people couldn’t. As for you, Mr Herondale, I don’t know yet. » The Consul looks at Alec again.

\- It’s more likely than everyone at the Institute knew what was happening, and nobody did anything to stop it. I don’t know what to do with that, so we deliberated with the other officials here, and we need to make a strong point. Here is Ms. Lydia Monteverde. She’s going to take over the New York Institute. And her husband, John, will be chief of security. That’s a temporary situation, to let us time to lead an investigation on what really happened there. We aim for you to take the lead, M. Ligthwood. »

Alec’s not sure he heard correctly. Magnus is beaming.

\- Excuse me, Madam, I don’t understand » Alec says.

\- They’ll stay long enough for anyone involved to have seen justice, and to give you time to resume your training. That could be a year or so. The ultimate goal is for you to be Head of this Institute.

\- But I’m just 18, and I haven’t even been a proper Shadowhunter in years... »

\- You being a teenager didn’t stop them for other things, so they’ll have to accept you can do this, too. And it would be a way for the Clave to state our position. Make sure everyone knows who we side with. As for your capacities, you just took an important part in defeating the worst threat we encountered in the last few years, that’s enough for us. Maybe you want the night to think about it ? »

Something rises in Alec. He never dreamed about that, he never though about it. But he would never forgive himself if he lets it go away. The Clave might have been honestly shocked by his situation, they still would not have reacted that way without the victory on Valentine. They might even change their mind pretty soon, if they really think about all it could imply for Shadowhunters everywhere. He can’t let this chance go.

\- I don’t need time. I’ll do it. It’s my duty, and my honor, thank you, Madam, thank you all. I won’t disappoint you. »

It’s hard to think he is the same person who tried to hide himself when entering the room a few minutes prior. Alec is standing tall, and tall he is, his chin raised. He looks confident and strong. He looks hot, Magnus thinks.

\- I know you won’t, Mr Lightwood » The Consul says with a smile.

After that, the Ceremony seems a very quiet affair. Everything goes smoothly, and they’re sent back to New-York. Magnus brings them all back to his loft

\- We’ve got lots of things to celebrate ! Alexander, why don’t you call Isabelle and ask her to join us for diner ? And Biscuit, you can invite Sullivan too if you want !

\- Simon, Magnus, as you very well know, » Clary answers, picking up her phone.

\- Actually, Clary, if you don’t mind » Jace asks nervously, « could you call Izzy too ? I’d like a word with Alec ? »

\- Sure. You two take your time, I’ll help Magnus setting up the drinks. »

So Alec follows Jace to the terrace, wondering what makes his friend so uneasy. He tries to push away the though that maybe Jace doesn’t approve the turn of event, and thinks giving him responsibilities is pushing things too far. They lean on the railing.

\- I can’t even tell you how relieved I am. And you, Alec, how do you feel ? » Jace starts

\- I… feel drained. It’s so much. I… Do you think it’s good, that I could be a decent leader ?»

\- Decent ? Alec, you’re the best thing that could ever happen to this Institute ! You’re brave, hard-working, and fair. You’ll be an amazing leader. »

\- How do you know that ? I never had the chance to work on any leadership skill... »

\- You went through hell, Alec, and you never gave up, and all this time, first thing in you mind has always been protecting us. You hid the worst of it as long as you could, to take care of us. Any soldier serving under your command will be lucky and safe.»

\- Thanks, Jace. I’m glad you see it like that.»

\- I’ll be there to help you, too, you know. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. What the Consul said, that we should have done something… Alec, I’m so sorry. »

\- Don’t. You, and Izzy, you’re the only reason I didn’t totally lose it these past few years. You did something. You told me over and over again that I didn’t deserve it, and though I didn’t really believed it, then, it really helped. You were just kids.»

\- So were you !»

\- Yes. I see that now. We’re soldiers. We believe our superiors, and we don’t discuss orders. We’ve all been misled, but… Jace, it’s so important for me now that we all admit we did nothing wrong. They did. And knowing they’re all facing trial, that’s… huge. I still need your support. Not your guilt. »

\- I’m with you. Now, then, and forever. I wish I had known better, but you’re right. Last thing I want is making this about me. I’m here for you, whatever you need, whenever you need.»

\- I know. And I’m working on learning to actually ask for help when I need it. If this really happen, if they see through to make me Head of the Institute, I’ll need you more than ever. »

\- You’ll really be the best Head ever, you know. You have it in you. »

\- I’ll definitely need you to say that a lot of times before I believe it. »

\- Don’t worry, I will. »

\- Should we go back inside ? » Alec asks after a short time of comfortable silence.

\- Without you hugging me ? You're kidding, right ? » Alec laughs, and hugs Jace fiercely.

Magnus made a great use of the short time they spend outside. The loft looks like the lounge of a trendy nightclub, and an impressive collection of cocktails are displayed on a bar Alec had never seen before. 

They have an amazing diner. They drink and eat, talk and laugh, and tear up a bit, too, when Izzy also has a chat with her brother. 

The guests are just gone when Alec’s phone rings. He replies shortly, and Magnus can tell he’s upset when he hangs up.

\- I’m to meet the person in charge of the investigation on the Institute tomorrow after the Consul speech to introduce Lydia and her husband. I guess they want the names of the Shadowhunters who abused me.»

\- How do you feel, honey ?»

\- Is it wrong that I don’t want to give the names to the Clave ? I mean, the first one, yes. That guy threatened me, and he knew exactly what he was doing. I want to send him to trial with the others. But the other ones ? I don’t know.»

\- You don’t have to do anything, you know. I’m just concerned it looks like you’re blaming yourself here. Don’t you want them to face what they did ?»

\- They thought I was willing. I know they did, even if they never tried to investigate things further. That doesn’t make it right, and I see how you can think I’m acting out of really misplaced guilt. But even if I still have some work to do on that point, that’s not why I don’t want to give them away. I want them here when I take control. I want them to see me for who I am, and that won’t happen if they’re exiled or whatever.»

\- I’ll stand by you whatever you do, you know that, right ?»

\- I do. Can we just let it rest for tonight ? I’m exhausted, I just want to watch one of your silly shows before going to bed. »

\- One day, Shadowhunter, you’ll realize these shows are anything but silly. As the great philosopher said, « a king without distraction is a man full of misery ».

\- Whatever you say. » Alec smiles. « Let’s see how philosophical the new season of Glow up actually is »

\- I knew you secretly loved it ! »


End file.
